all that cant be said

yea sure. i do have an ambition. but it's not really wad other people think of it. others aspire to be lawyers, doctors, actors, singers and wad have you. yep mine's a little different. i wanna be a bartender. hahaha. scary thought huh. but i dont think alcohol's all that bad. den after that i'm gonna do something big and work on my ice cream dreams. hahaha. another weird one. but i'll get there somehow. and i'm gonna be the major supplier of hoegaarden and kahlua to the public by the time i get there. cos i'm gonna go all the way. and prove that being a bartender ain't all that skanky. =) now don't you dare steal it you!!!

in my life you've heard me say i love you. how do i show you it's true? hear my heart. it longs for more of you. i'm falling deeply in love with you. you have stolen my heart. i'm captivated by you. never will you and i part. i've fallen deeply in love with you. you and i together forever. nothing can stand in the way. my love for you grows stronger each new day. i've fallen deeply in love with you. // it's overwhelming his love. most of the time you take it for granted and don't realise it's even there. but when you open your heart. you'll find it and it will blow you away. so powerful, so unconditional. everyday you pray. asking for answers. they're everywhere. you just have to look for them. he's blessed me so much and has answered my every prayer. i love you god. // jesus saved us. tell it to the world.

for wad its worth. im jus glad that there are still people out there who mean a lot to me. jiamin and val are always there for me. i love you guys!! eunice lim!! you!! my gilmore buddy. haha. dorcas and danielle. those 2 i cannot live without. the MORONS!!.. joanne yuliang enshao yunxing nirma chanel brandon wenfang. other red cross pple. leon, we've been thru a lot but you've always reassured me. kevin is madness!! hidayat man haha. always making me laugh. joanne goh.. oh my gosh that girl, "stop eating my worksheets". nat fheng.. my fellow shopper. GUAN! oh man. he's one awesome guy. fel is always there to gimme advice. been talking to jarrell and hes so funny!! petrina, we should start the whole thing again. haha. you know wad im talking bout. poon and amelia. both of you said something to me that really touched me. timchan, haha. you are one of a kind. char darling, haha, shes great. jamie, havent talked to you for long but youre still one of my closest frens. andre jordan andrew fong. its guys like you who make acsi wad it is today. screwed up but damn fun. jason lua, oh man. you're names on the list. you are sooo tall okaay. thanks for cheering me up always with your rubbish. sam zr jocelyn, awesome crystal jade buddies. grace, hahaha. i've got a nice present for you. moleboy and claudia, hahaha. i really miss tuition with you two. mdm koh the tuition teacher, duno where i'd be without you. teyweiyoung!! hahaa. hes like my best fren from ulp. you and your mantous. in fact. echo too. esp fathiah nadirah yiyan and meeezeellll. sherri, will never forget ur fmssCRY. haha. the twangster. 3a people. i dont really seem like i like u guys. but tony romas and sizzler was a blast. next stop black angus. church people, friggy fred cheryl guowei jeremy, sounds weird but monseignor lau too. hahaha. and actually all of you in church. chris chng. you are my lao po! brandon boyd, love the tattoo, and megalomaniac. haha. PS dont feel bad if you're not mentioned. cos i wanted to write bout everyone. but its 2am in the morning. oh and most of all i love my brothers like mad!!! those 3 fellas are the ones i care the most about. hahaa. and my parents lucia and germaine too!

1. unit leader programme
2. confirmation camp
3. confirmation
4. discovering better than ezra
5. getting the ipod
6. cadet rocognition day
7. debut of the oc
8. discovery of one tree hill
9. return of gilmore girls
10. jude law sexiest man alive. haha. <-- jus for fun.
11. seeing michael come back from camp every weekend
12. seeing my parents holding hands
13. 6a class gathering
14. the wave without the smile =)
15. feast at night with the morons after a ghost scare at the playground
16. deciding to make a difference
17. feeling like i have made a difference
more up tomorrow

mixed emotions basically. its jus that when you've been heading in the right direction all your life. it's difficult when you suddenly get pushed off the trail. and when i say pushed i do mean pushed. explain. basically when you try your best but people just dont get it. its common. maybe that's why it is frustrating. you know but who gives a damn. so what. my conscience is clear. ultimately the only people i have to answer to is god and myself. i have totally no regrets. definitely not going to bear grudges. dont see the point in that. it takes a lot to hate. shrug it off. you're happy with what you already have. yet find something lacking. its just in front of you. and you've been reaching out like mad for it. all your heart. some person just comes and pulls it away from you. so what. i did my best. shrug it off. yeah so just because that person pulls it away. furthers the distance. you walk. something you put your mind into. something you set out to get. gone because of your lack of determination. i tried my best, shrug it off. yeah right you tried your best. you let the person take it away. so what if you're not society's best friend. so what if the person presents it to you but pulls it away a moment later. it doesnt matter. i tried my best. shrug it off. and continue on.

haha. browsing friendster. found someone. oh my gosh so cute. a bit inconvenient to say here lar. if you're interested ask andrew or fong. haahaha. reminds me maybe i should like talk to the lost friends. i have people like jeremy richmond marktay on msn whom i dont know well. maybe i should talk to them get to know them better. i blew it with jeremy. i remember it so clearly and i feel awful. mark and i jus stopped talking. dunno why. i never knew richmond that well lar. oh well. i guess that's life. people move on. no harm trying to go back though.
past few days have been fun. went for sushi with the churchies on tuesday after tuition. sad life. tuition 3 times a week. after eating went shopping. kana suan by friggy cheryl and guan like mad man. fred's mine cheryl!!! after that went to nuh to see richmond. met guan's friend pamela too. she's cool. hahaha poor girl kana suan by richmond and guan like crazy. something bout a fella named brandon. ahhaha. but it was quite paiseh for me. cos didnt know them well. only guan. but it was all good lar. hhahah.
ok nvm. den yesterday went for sdc campfire at the sadest place on earth... kembangan campsite. met so many pple!! lutfi was a blast. that fella still damn joker. keth...say i vain take pictures of myself. den on mrt he wanted to send me picture of himself. KENNETH LOO SAI MUN!!!! you ar... indra indra indra. he still the same man. still owes me prata. saw mich. she and leon kana like mad also. enshao kissed a guy 5 times. lutfi had boobs. met the azrin i heard soo much about. smuggled food down from guest room for my babies. oh yea. weiyoung and mizael were fighting over me. hhahahha. that was fun. especially wif weiyoung around. denise kept asking me if i loved her. sigh. im sooo glad i didnt go for sdc. they suffered like mad. sigh.
singapore record shops have neither chevelle nor better than ezra. disappointing.

jus came back from ed camp. made it home jus in time for gilmore. hahaha. it had milo so it was a real thrill watching. he's not gonna be appearing for quite some time i guess. after wad rory said to jess. cant stand her. anyway. camp was fun. but it was kinda ironic. cos i fought so hard just to go for the camp. and at camp i had this real weird "wad am i doing here" feeling. i shocked myself with that one. struggled with it for a while. den after second night it was all fine. and i wanna go back for more. i think i'll try going for YA on sunday too. anyway i met so many new people at camp. i didnt know any of the cathecumens (dunno how to spell) at first. but on the second day i started talking to kok wai jonathan pixiang and jeremy. so got to know them better. especially kok wai. he's one funny fella man. thanks for writing warm fuzzies with me! and pixiang is sooo lame. like super dots lar. jeremy has this glare thing. haha. but hes a nice guy. anyway also got to know sheryl and faith, both of whom were in my group. sheryl's real quiet and faith's rather outspoken. all of them were great to know. got to know the vc people better too. like jiamin pp gerri alyee vivian keith francis ewen and lots more. keith and francis were in the group too. i never knew keith was so damn full of rubbish. and man if you meet francis. you'll be laughing yourself nutty. so camp was pretty neat.
noticed a change in myself over the past 5 months. and its pretty obvious to people around too i guess. was reading my warm fuzzies and i got a lot of "you dont seem to be yourself" and "why so quiet". it really isnt deliberate. but i figured that i talk too much. really. so i decided to try and quieten down cos the less i talk the more i hear. i used to like always tell myself not to talk but now its coming more naturally. but i believe i still crap a lot when in small groups of people. like with kok wai fred char they all. so i guess its more of a change in character den a burdened heart. i may not get as much attention as i seek but i do feel that i learn more about the things happening around me. and yes i admit i do seek attention sometimes. and that's not good so i'm changing. but so far at ed camp there was a distinct change from confi camp. and i think more now. think before i talk and act. although i still falter.
i guess i am changing for the better you know. i made a promise to god that i will change. and i know he sees the effort i am putting in. i dont need anyone to notice me anyway. cos i know he sees me and is with me.
i really admire the cathecumens. they mustered the courage to go for wad they wanted and committed themselves to the lord. i dont think i will ever have that much courage.

its real difficult having to deal with loss. whether your own or of someone else. after all the only thing that feels worse than being lost is losing someone. like something you hold close and dear to you being suddenly taken away. but when you explore furthur into it, you'll realise that maybe death isnt as bad as it is made out to be. think about it. you work and slave all your life jus to make ends meet. it's a tough life. and you barely make it most of the time. ending of your sorrows? perhaps. certainly sensible. also in life you prepare yourself by going to church, by praying, just so that you will be made worthy in the eyes of god your creator. death is god taking you home. like the ultimate reunion. it may sound kind of rude maybe. but it is all of your hard work paying off. the end really is the beginning of something great. jus like in the semisonic song closing time. one line that really hit me was "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." think about it. it is true. when one door closes another opens. of course. it depends on god. when he wants you back and thinks that you're prepared, he'll take you away. and it's all good. so premature death really is wrong. that way you're not ready and it'll only lead to more suffering. all the fighting going on. the wars. all the pain. the aids epidemic, especially in africa. premature death? definitely. its all human err. yeah sure you may ask how can aids be stopped? protection. cautiousness and awareness. more medical aid for the needy. stop the fighting. its so immature and shallow. this one's dedicated to sam. you've been thru a real tough few months. the past few days especially. you may not agree with my theory but i hope it makes you feel even a little better. but you'll be alright. i promise.