all that cant be said

jus came back from ed camp. made it home jus in time for gilmore. hahaha. it had milo so it was a real thrill watching. he's not gonna be appearing for quite some time i guess. after wad rory said to jess. cant stand her. anyway. camp was fun. but it was kinda ironic. cos i fought so hard just to go for the camp. and at camp i had this real weird "wad am i doing here" feeling. i shocked myself with that one. struggled with it for a while. den after second night it was all fine. and i wanna go back for more. i think i'll try going for YA on sunday too. anyway i met so many new people at camp. i didnt know any of the cathecumens (dunno how to spell) at first. but on the second day i started talking to kok wai jonathan pixiang and jeremy. so got to know them better. especially kok wai. he's one funny fella man. thanks for writing warm fuzzies with me! and pixiang is sooo lame. like super dots lar. jeremy has this glare thing. haha. but hes a nice guy. anyway also got to know sheryl and faith, both of whom were in my group. sheryl's real quiet and faith's rather outspoken. all of them were great to know. got to know the vc people better too. like jiamin pp gerri alyee vivian keith francis ewen and lots more. keith and francis were in the group too. i never knew keith was so damn full of rubbish. and man if you meet francis. you'll be laughing yourself nutty. so camp was pretty neat.
noticed a change in myself over the past 5 months. and its pretty obvious to people around too i guess. was reading my warm fuzzies and i got a lot of "you dont seem to be yourself" and "why so quiet". it really isnt deliberate. but i figured that i talk too much. really. so i decided to try and quieten down cos the less i talk the more i hear. i used to like always tell myself not to talk but now its coming more naturally. but i believe i still crap a lot when in small groups of people. like with kok wai fred char they all. so i guess its more of a change in character den a burdened heart. i may not get as much attention as i seek but i do feel that i learn more about the things happening around me. and yes i admit i do seek attention sometimes. and that's not good so i'm changing. but so far at ed camp there was a distinct change from confi camp. and i think more now. think before i talk and act. although i still falter.
i guess i am changing for the better you know. i made a promise to god that i will change. and i know he sees the effort i am putting in. i dont need anyone to notice me anyway. cos i know he sees me and is with me.
i really admire the cathecumens. they mustered the courage to go for wad they wanted and committed themselves to the lord. i dont think i will ever have that much courage.