all that cant be said

i dont know why. but i feel obligated to do this. it's always been very difficult for me during sharings sessions in ED and confi class because i never really felt comfortable opening myself up. but today i'm doing it, why i don't know. but i've been struggling with my faith for a few months now. and i guess by doing this, i'm reaffirming my own faith, and hoping also to help those like me.

i'm a cradle catholic, born into a fully catholic family, with roots going back to generations before. i've been in holy cross all my life. my dad's a warden there. he's been the foundation of faith in my family. i overheard him talking to his friends one day and he said he is trying his best to nurture his children into good catholics. and he did just that. my mom was not born catholic but she converted when she married my dad. both of them led by example, being great catholic parents, sending myself and my three older brothers to cat class, mass and for my brothers, to catholic schools.

when i was young, church was boring and it was a chore goign to church. i even compared myself to my cousins, asking why i had to wake up early sunday morning to go to church while they could sleep in. cat class was boring too, i never enjoyed it much and often skipped class.

it all changed when my dad told me the story of how god spoke to him once. he wanted to retire and went to church on a friday to pray for an answer. on sunday, the gospel had these words from god :" do not worry, god will provide". his fears of the family not being able to survive without any financial backing were to be taken care of by god. the next day, he tendered his resignation. this story struck me hard. people always told me that god was there, but i never experienced him, so i never actually believed. after this, i did with all my heart.

i was about 12 then. since then my faith has been steadfast and i always fell back on him whenever i needed help. and he never failed me. till this day he has given me everything i prayed to him for. not a single time has he failed me.

about a year ago, about 3 weeks after confi camp. it fell apart. some people very very close to me said something which hurt me so bad. and at that moment i realised that god really is the only one who understands. i thought these people understood, yet they didnt. only god does. that morning i went for YA and i cried my heart out. i was confused. that was the last time i went for any VC activity.

i spoke to fel, jiamin and a couple of my friends from church about the incident. they helped me find ways to tell those people what actually was going on. i went back for ED for about a month. then it was gone again. till today i havent attended any VC activities.

it isnt easy. in fact it hurts me more than anything. but im afraid to go back. because of that incident and because im afraid i might fail reaching out to him again. so i spoke to jiamin recently and she agreed to help me through it, by attending YA with me. but still im afraid. im hoping to go on from that one YA session to going back to ED and being with god again. cos i have never felt his presence any stronger than in church.

i'm not trying to clear my name or whatever, i've long stopped bothering what people think about me. i know for myself why i'm attending church. and i hope to recover from this setback.

i want everyone to know that once you have him in you, dont neglect him. cos although he's still there, if you pray to him, it will be easier for him to reach out to you. and your life will be so much more fulfilling. each time you pray, do so with all your heart, for after those tears fall, it will be replaced inside by the holy spirit, and it will nourish you.

im searching for that lost feeling in me. if you have him, keep him in. if you dont yet, find him.