all that cant be said

i wrote a poem about death the other day. after i wrote it i read it. maybe at that point in time that was how i perceived death. seriously, it was kinda scary. maybe i'll post it sometime. actually i've got lots of ideas for some. from songs, things people say, thoughts and visions. songs that i think have powerful lyrics. i actually posted some of them last time. but i think there's one especially which really illustrates lost and sadness in your life. and tying in with the poem about death this song finds its space amongst the crowded thoughts. it's a song called fade to black by metallica..

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Can't stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

someday i wanna write stuff like this. however depressing, it'll inspire someone as this has inspired me.

i havent done anything special all lent. so then came maundy thursday. dorcas joanne and yuliang stayed over at my place. we planned to re-watch the lord of the rings trilogy in extended versions!! yea!! ok so as a catholic family tradition there's always the church visitation on maundy thurday night. they followed along on the visitation, so i took it upon myself, like a vocation you know.. ahahhaa. to like talk them through and explain to them what was going on. haha of course with dorcas there was the constant "where are the altar boys?" question. so we went first to mary of the angels church. wow it is sooo nice!! plus the crucifix is like superrr cool!!! it was real dark and loomy so the three of them were quite creeped out. the figure of the crucified christ above the altar was indeed creepy for a first timer. along with the solemn atmosphere. next up, st joseph along cashew rd. it was big!! plus they had the actual stations. so that was cool. of course the 3 of them were comparing altar boys "why that one just now so attentive this one not?" yep.. third place was st ignatius. it was pretty empty compared to the previous 2 churches. went down to the main church. den they asked "where are all the altar boys?" hahaha. den we went up and found the altar boys. yep.. last place was holy cross. it's great showing them a place i kinda grew up with and have grown so attached to. so now they know how it looks like! yay!! hahaha. yea dorcas knows guan so she was like "where's guan?" hahaha. at least its a different question. den we went back for some hardcore LOTR!
it was awesome just sharing the visitation experience with them. i have a to admit. of all the traditions, this is probably one of my most favourite. and i could teach them about good friday and how we catholics do stuff. it was just a great feeling. just sharing the experience.

good friday mass was spent well.. standing. hahaha. so was easter sunday mass.. aahha 2 masses in a row!!!! oh my!!! ah leong and the rciy kids got baptised finally. wow!! WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!! yep.

sigh daddy said friggy's gonna leave to study in rome. he's been a really big part of my faith formation in church and i hate to see him go. but hey it's all for the best. we'll all miss him though.

sat went to eat sushi with shaomu darren and dorcas to celebrate darren's birthday. wah i was sooo full larr.. den went shopping. hahaha. yay i bought 2 rings 1 skirt and i pair of earrings. i went to borders but they had no calvin and hobbes. derek came back a few hours later and he said he saw 3 calvin and hobbes on bargain. aahh!!! pissed off! must go and get them!!

ok so nowadays i've found myself a new love. yep. no not a tall hunky one but more of a hobby. damn! haha yep. ok it may sound stupid or profound.. wahaha.. so some of you. but i really enjoy writing poems. you know how people like doodle on the tables when lesosns are boring. well, i write. poems. not necessarily something i am or can relate to. i write bout everything. grief, fun, doubt, love. its just amazing how you can express something so simple in such complex words. and something so complex in such a simple form. it works both ways. so now im planning to write poems for the people around me. to me poetry is like an outlet. somewhere i escape to. i dont rhyme well though. so i've been doing a lot of non-rhyming serious poems. maybe i'll post them next time. i've got like tonnes in my chem book and diary. anyway i've been pretty happy these few days. i felt so blessed on easter sunday. i really dont know why. hahaha maybe cos i was wearing comfy pyjamas! but really. and lately my hardest subject a math hasnt been giving me problems at all!! ahhahaa. so i definitely have a lot to give thanks for.

today in school i wrote poems again!!! hahaha. i went mad with them lar. so now i owe jeraldine and sherri poems too. ahahha. and aiyun and i are gonna write one together. neat!! sat between nat and zr during a math. hahahaha and i could actually keep up with them. so that was good. after school was hanging around in the classroom den saw szeliang walking in acjc. so sherri was with me and she was like. "the girl next to him!! the super pro ij shooter. sooo CHIO!!" hhahaha. she's mad! so i called him. so paiseh larr. wahhh. nevermind at least sherri saw her chiobu. hahaha.

so worried for next year's committee. at the rate they're going. i really dont see how it all can work out. sigh.

so i walk
down this road its so weird
kinda different
confused in a strange place
or maybe just a feeling

i see the light
so is that good or is that not?
it could mean this or it could mean that
either way it has to be good
after all now i can see you there

you get it all funny
when you feel like composing
what it doesnt really matter
not at that time
not till you read it an hour later

so you just go on and on and on
its like a force taking over you
a lyrical possession
permeation of a creature
one of great dictation and articulation

its kinda distracting though
ive got someone speaking at the back of my mind.
2 voices. one self inflicted
the other a distant memory
if something, of someone, who writes

"i dig my toes into the sand"
he sings
" i wish you were here"
yea i wish i were there too
thanks man.

ok that just now was a distraction
he makes senseless analogies.
of which when you further ponder
actually do make sense
who cares he wishes im there. yea man!

yea you might have guessed by now
its just the other voice in my head.
the one who didnt contribute
but certainly builds up
wad can i say?
I LOVE MY INCUBUS!

haha went to toys r us with derek leon and jack to get sam his present. oh man that place sure got me all happy. its like disneyland. jus smaller scale of happiness. like an eternal childhood, where its never too late to be a kid again. so after walking 2 rounds finally got wad i wanted. it was a toss up between a big one, a pimpable one and a..well. i cant say cos i havent given it to him yet.

walking down saw russell! haha he was folding balloon animals for every donation a person made to the bone marrow for kids thing. yep. this super tall caucasian fella was telling me bout it. yea so i donated 2 bucks. he's kinda cute. hahah oopss!!

den went to potblack to shoot some pool. man i made a cut on the red 3 ball into the middle pocket. it was beautiful man!! and i almost beat derek. hahaha so thats a good thing. i kinda sunk the black ball when i was supposed to, just the wrong hole. yea i admit im still pretty crap. but hey im getting better! man a pool table at home would be such a good investment larr!! almost almost....

after that went home and waited for mtv to show laguna beach. its such good stuff man. its like reality teen flick. with like super good looking people. fyi, it's laguna beach - the real orange county. yep. for those people like me who actually follow laguna beach. lemme tell ya wad i think of it. i think lc's nice but stephen should so go with kristin. talan drives a mercs!!! hahaha stephen looks like andrew wendrew or whatever he calls himself nowadays.

on sunday there was a whole lot of stuff to watch man. went to church. saw fred and he was like super funny. he has this cut down his nose, so i asked him wad happened. he was holding this pocket mirror.. haha. and he said he didnt know how he got it. fel and i jus laughed man.. went to the basement saw the pple. samfoo brought her work to church..ahahaha. tim was eating HOKKEIN MEE!! hahaha..

went with the rodriguez clan to mcdonalds for breakfast. can you believe it? the rodriguez clan at macs eating? hahaha. man i love mcdonalds breakfast. had my hotcakes with sausage and orange juice. den went grocery shopping.

man should have gone for YA... i need the spiritual refreshment.

came home went to sleep

woke up watch formula one. alonso won!! yay! im quite the alonso fan i must say. glad that schumi wasnt on the podium.

after that did work

den back to the teevee. watched whatever thingss!! hahaha. i love whatever things man. maybe cos josh and arm look like brandon boyd. yea.. den there was malcolm in the middle, viva la bam and pimp my ride. man weekends mean good teevee!!!! to all those who dont have mtv.. go get it. the best shows are on it man!! theres..
1. pimp my ride
2. viva la bam
3. laguna beach
4. room raiders
5. whatever things
6. scammed

man.. i love my mtv! so now im here with my ipod sending vibrations to my ears. better than ezra to be exact.oh now its incubus. man i love incubus too.. wad can i say?

"please MTV, pimp mah ride!"

stupid weiyoung. one day after browsing for phones den he already got his ngage.. lucky fella.. anyway i jus had indian food at little india. i really like little india.. theres like so much character. such a lively place. and man bangle shopping there is like WOAH!! hahaha. yay gonna play pool tml.. i've been wanting to play for soo long okaay. i'll thrash your acs butts!! hehe. ok after this im gonna do my homework.. or sleep. like duh. hehe. weiyoung still wanna watch heffalump. hahaha. heard from nat it's like only an hour..

nat and gang are going to go sports again.. ahaha good luck you guys. try not to fall off as much. them skating kinda reminds me of the CAM days. yes.. i'm so past those days. but its cool. my godbrother john skates there. never heard me mention him? cos i have never ever talked to him. some tattooed fella lar. haha nat went to starbucks and saw the cute malay fella.. man must check it out again. william's still better though.. right mindy? hahaha

haha talked to jazimin that day. he says he and lutfi can vibrate their eyeballs. hahaha. something like first you cross your eyes. den you use a little more force and they will vibrate. ahaaha. interesting.. den he added. "do already will get headache".. i almost bang my head against the wall lar!!

derek got a toys r us card.. hahahah. he's like totally obsessed with transformers.. just like the old days.. reminds me. i'm never going back to lego at taka cos the cashier fella probably thinks i'm like a stalker or something. i always go there and he's always there. i jus go to buy my lego though. nothing more. it was damn weird seeing him lar.. so weird that that day i got weiyoung to buy the stuff for me. ps: hes no william.. hahaha

hmmm evidently im feeling much better. maybe cos ive been sleepping more. oh i discovered something. taylor dent the tennis player looks like a cross between ken and eddy. ahahahha.. awessome!! oh and batista's gonna kick triple h's butt!! he was cleaning house man!!!

lastly.. thanks to wenfang denise mich and everyone who has been crowding my tagboard. hahaha.. its fun.. oh and aiyun youre sucha dumbass.. =)

haha happy birthday tml sam!! hope ya have fun at disney on ice.. hahaha.. remember i'm jus a phonecall away.. hahaha you'll need it bad.. buggaa!!

hah went out with weiyoung and juvena today. met up with them at orchard mrt. haha. den went to cine where we had a big fuss on wad movie to watch. den the 2 of them started speaking to each other in chinese so i kinda jus like shut off. its chinese lar.. i cant help it. the next thing i know she's going shopping and weiyoung and i are watching a movie. so he insists on heffalump... hahaha. i insisted on hitch.. so we flipped a coin but that fella still not happy.. so we went to lido. in the end we watched lemony snicket's. sigh. hahaha. stupid fella kept pushing my chair backwards den my chair would keep rocking.. haha.. he's so cute.. anyway he has this total obsession over ciara's one two step.. ahahha and heffalump of course. den after that he accompanied me to shop for dorcas' present. yepp and i helped him out with his dream of buying his ngage. after all that we walked to plaza and went home. not before taking 2 pictures of freddie in his calvin kleins though!! it was nice going out with him larr.. havent really hung out at all.. but he's still as whiny and all that. yea and pretty cute with the mole!! hahaha yea weiyoung i think your mole's cute!! he's just a really fun guy to hang with.. he talks so much rubbish that there's not a moment of feeling awkward.. hehe. thanks for hanging with me weiyoung!!!

name: sarah
best thing in your fridge now: jello, diet coke, cheese doritos
ugliest thing in your closet: school uniform
most embarrassing cd in the collection: meredith brooks
favourite 'the' band: the strokes
favourite place to fart: in front of my brother
ugliest food: brocolli soup
sexiest cartoon character: batman of the future's terry
most revolting cartoon character: striperella
favourite word: dumbass
favourite tissue paper brand: kleenex
in the toilet, sit or squat? : sit
clothes, hung or folded?: hung.. like duh sarah
strawberry or raspberry: i invented this but i dont know how to answer it
dumb and dumber or dude wheres my car?: man you cant compare 2 classics!
zit or bad hair?: bad hair
retro lines or retro circles?: retro circles
freddy or johnny?: freddy has a hat.. johnny has a hocky mask.. freddy.
pop out eyes or black ones?: pop out's cooler
fat toes or hairy toes?: hairy toes= hobbits... so hairy toes
huge butt or hairy butt?: damn..
big nostrils or hairy nostrils?: again...
dirt under nails or dirt in eye?: dirt in eye
obnoxious or notorious?: notorious
inproportionate body or hairy body?: hehe..
high nose or high forehead?: i remember this girl with a high forehead..man that was funny
outback jack or the bachelor?: OUTBACK JACK!!
snakes or ladders?: ladders.. duh
A or B?: A
jar of cookies or a jar of candy?: cookiesss!!

haha try and answer it will you?

its ironic. i was having like real intense prayer that night. i told god i was confused.

next morning in school i heard of someone. someone struggling to stay alive.
he fights and fights.

i give up.

i dont know him personally. but i really admire him, his family and his friends.

they strength and faith in god they have is simply tremendous.

god's answering my prayer.

yesterday i saw the sec 3 gb girls crying. i went over and told them "just take it as he's going home to god"

for those who know blenheim personally. we all pray for you and for him.

god works in wonderful miraculous ways.

just a few months ago a friend of mine lost his dad.

i lost my grandfather bout a year ago. it hurt me not because we were close. but because we werent. the last thing i remember about him was a smile he showed when he saw me at the hospital. at that point in time i realised how much i meant to him. a day later he was gone.

i read something like life on earth is temporary but life in heaven is eternal from a blog dedicated to blenheim's plight. it really is true.

dear maple. stay strong alrite girl. we're all here for you.

this really got me thinking.

god works in wonderful miraculous ways. let not our will but his will be done.

first time in YA in a really really long time. have to admit i did feel out of place initially. you know how they always say that church is the one place you feel at home. yea that's when you're in prayer. but you cant help but feel out when you have been out for a long time. jiamin val krystl and pp did help make it feel better. guan was acting gay in front of terence. haha that was amusing. and fred was getting bugged to join the servers. hehe. when YA started it was all GOD!

feelings not getting better in school too. im like being real honest here. and its hard. i dont think i can survive school without dorcas sam zr nat and the red cross pple. i'm not in any clique like practically everyone else in the school. if i do have a clique it'll probably be just me and dorcas. haha. sad but she's awesome so not so sad after all. yea i do know tonnes of pple. but so wad? im not really bothered by it though. i can self entertain.

so nothing seems to be really working out for me. but for everything that isnt there's something which is. i have a great family. all that i need is provided for me. a strong and steadfast faith. music to accompany me. my red cross sec ones to cheer me up (most of the time when theyre not annoying). the morons. nat sam dorcas zr.

in school sam jinshun and i were all stamped "looney" hehe. they're awesome.

man i seem so lost. but yet i have every direction and guide i need in life.

taken from rivermaya's if--

if i could choose to live my life
there'll be no ifs to say
and if i would choose to hold your hand
there'll be no words to say
without thought
without pride
leave the things that seem to weaken us
without fear
leave your lies
let the magic turn your life around

let the magic turn your life around. it has mine.