all that cant be said

ok im supposed to do an essay on breaking up. a short story i think. i digressed so much that i ended up with this piece of work.

BREAKING UP

“Breaking up is so hard to do,” Neil Sedaka wrote about love as it really is. No more false appearances and facades which we make up just to deceive ourselves. Love always ends in break up, whether in death or divorce, it is all the same. That same feeling. That same pain.
Three weeks ago, my sixteen-year-old child was taken away. Three weeks later she was found. Dead. Pain in death usually is accompanied by a strong sense of regret. A mother’s regret in this case. Thinking how she could have treated her daughter better. Remembering that subtle smile. It was always painful.

Annie had always wanted the red polka dot dress. But I would not give it to her. Weighed down by financial burdens and the trauma of my recent divorce. She was an obedient and filial child. She always understood what I was going through. She tried to help out as much as possible. That is how she got to know that man, through work. Work which she did to help me pay the bills. I could never give her what she wanted, instead I gave her more problems. She was given the responsibility of taking care of her younger brother and sister since I was working two jobs. School, work, home. The pressure was too intense for a girl of her age. Undoubtedly, she was mature but still vulnerable. Certainly, I could have done a better job providing for her. I am a horrible parent, and now I live in a world of “what if”.

So what if the whole world knows who is the aggressor? So what if he is going to be hung and die a terrible death? Nothing can bring that smile back. Nothing can erase the pain. For so long, her fate laid in a precarious position. At least to me. I was convinced she was dead. But a part of me refused to let go. Until she was found. The girl’s body shrivelled up, accomodating to the small space given to her in death. Stripped of her dignity by the man with the hidden agenda, one she trusted, but apparently, what goes around does not come around. He took her trust and used it to shatter her fragile heart. To rob me of my child. She spoke so fondly of him. Her first boyfriend, the one who brought her flowers and gave her kisses.

Every night, with tearful plea I pray. For her to be brought back to me. For peace to be found from deep in the catacombs of my heart. I seek solace and find refuge in my faith. The faith that God will raise me up and take me on eagle’s wings, soaring in the skies, easing my pain, lifting the burden off of my shoulders. With the strength of God and the blessing of the Holy Spirit I shall fulfill the will of my father. The saviour saved me so that I may forgive and bury the hatchet. The Lord’s Prayer says “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”.

Listening to Staind. Taking in the music. Aaron Lewis sings “I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today”. Despite all the setbacks and obstacles I struggled to overcome. I believe I am ready to forgive. Definitely not ashamed and proud to be the person that I am today. With Annie as my everlasting guardian angel, breaking up is hard. But it is not Armageddon.

yep. well my blog's gonna be full of stuff like dat. maybe a little of wad happens to me. but i have a boring life. so it'll be a whole lot of my imagination! spread the word!!