all that cant be said

i dont know why. but i feel obligated to do this. it's always been very difficult for me during sharings sessions in ED and confi class because i never really felt comfortable opening myself up. but today i'm doing it, why i don't know. but i've been struggling with my faith for a few months now. and i guess by doing this, i'm reaffirming my own faith, and hoping also to help those like me.

i'm a cradle catholic, born into a fully catholic family, with roots going back to generations before. i've been in holy cross all my life. my dad's a warden there. he's been the foundation of faith in my family. i overheard him talking to his friends one day and he said he is trying his best to nurture his children into good catholics. and he did just that. my mom was not born catholic but she converted when she married my dad. both of them led by example, being great catholic parents, sending myself and my three older brothers to cat class, mass and for my brothers, to catholic schools.

when i was young, church was boring and it was a chore goign to church. i even compared myself to my cousins, asking why i had to wake up early sunday morning to go to church while they could sleep in. cat class was boring too, i never enjoyed it much and often skipped class.

it all changed when my dad told me the story of how god spoke to him once. he wanted to retire and went to church on a friday to pray for an answer. on sunday, the gospel had these words from god :" do not worry, god will provide". his fears of the family not being able to survive without any financial backing were to be taken care of by god. the next day, he tendered his resignation. this story struck me hard. people always told me that god was there, but i never experienced him, so i never actually believed. after this, i did with all my heart.

i was about 12 then. since then my faith has been steadfast and i always fell back on him whenever i needed help. and he never failed me. till this day he has given me everything i prayed to him for. not a single time has he failed me.

about a year ago, about 3 weeks after confi camp. it fell apart. some people very very close to me said something which hurt me so bad. and at that moment i realised that god really is the only one who understands. i thought these people understood, yet they didnt. only god does. that morning i went for YA and i cried my heart out. i was confused. that was the last time i went for any VC activity.

i spoke to fel, jiamin and a couple of my friends from church about the incident. they helped me find ways to tell those people what actually was going on. i went back for ED for about a month. then it was gone again. till today i havent attended any VC activities.

it isnt easy. in fact it hurts me more than anything. but im afraid to go back. because of that incident and because im afraid i might fail reaching out to him again. so i spoke to jiamin recently and she agreed to help me through it, by attending YA with me. but still im afraid. im hoping to go on from that one YA session to going back to ED and being with god again. cos i have never felt his presence any stronger than in church.

i'm not trying to clear my name or whatever, i've long stopped bothering what people think about me. i know for myself why i'm attending church. and i hope to recover from this setback.

i want everyone to know that once you have him in you, dont neglect him. cos although he's still there, if you pray to him, it will be easier for him to reach out to you. and your life will be so much more fulfilling. each time you pray, do so with all your heart, for after those tears fall, it will be replaced inside by the holy spirit, and it will nourish you.

im searching for that lost feeling in me. if you have him, keep him in. if you dont yet, find him.

alright. i read the newspapers today. and boy did i get some enlightenment. so i'm gonna address one issue which i read about which honestly, i think is a load of gibberish and shouldn't even be on the news. i mean i'm sure there are better things to write and tell the nation about. like let's say.. zoe tay's dog gave birth or whatever.

and yes since you guys complain that i don't paragraph enough, i will start to. cos this ain't a poem, but you should read it. cos i'm seriously puzzled. i wonder how people can be so hyped on something as pornographic as a naked girl. that, to me, is downright chauvanistic and very very disgusting.

so the story started with a chick who put a naked photo of herself up on her blog cos she claims that she likes to keep pretty photos of herself. lady, get a life. oh and while you're at that, get some self-respect too. yes i'm dissing her, but only because i think it's outrageous that she's selling her body. plus it's for free on the net. like come on! go beg hugh hefner to let you be on playboy on something. at least people pay to see your stuff.

oh and this girl, she writes about her sexual escapades too. who she did and where she did it. like please lady, no one wants to know what dirty jobs you've been doing. a self-proclaimed sarong party girl, she only dates caucasian men. to that i only laugh. that's like a chinese guy throwing away his dim sum to eat fish and chips for the rest of his miserable life. what kind of analogy is that? a ridiculous one. just like her decision to be judgemental and rule out all chinese men. i'm not even chinese and i don't have a problem with them. please lady, don't make yourself any more unpopular than you already are.

yes, i love dissing her. why? cos people like her deserved to be dissed by people like me. you might have the brains, but where's your morality? since you love getting rooms so much, get the privacy too. don't tell your story to the rest of the world. cos i feel real sorry for you.

my same friend who choses to remain anoynomous again, wrote this poem. he's getting good. so check him out here if you want to read more of his stuff. any of you who want your stuff (poems, essays, speeches) read, just drop me a message or a mail and i'll put it up here. just no cheesy what-i-did-today entries. yep. not many people come to my blog to read, but the people who come here know that they're coming here to read poetry. so yeah. anyway this ones called "to the one i love"

TO THE ONE I LOVE

you arent just another one
this my heart can say
since i went my way
attracted to you till this day

from those very lips
words flow out endlessly
like a sword to my soul
a needle in my marrow

i'll let this slip
though my tears will ache
fill your hearts longing
while mine shall be rotting

its a far away dream
like a hand to the moon
how you seem so close
as beautiful in bloom a rose

greener on the side
i'd hold on to that
for its the same thought
to you i was brought

to the one i love
i'll miss you everyday
even as you slowly fade away
in my heart youre always welcome to stay

a friend of mine who chooses to remain anoynomous wrote this. read it. it's good stuff.

STILL THE ARTIST I AM

how u sit all day
staring at blank walls
what's that? clay?
no. just a bunch of useless balls

you speak to yourself
wad's the picture
you aint got a clue
but there's a fixture

now they say love's like that
who'd u'll meet is a mystery
but for the fact i know
you mean so much to me

when the arrow strikes
your eyes grow little spikes
oblivious to everyone, everything
attention's on that swing

a hunger there is
full will never come
you know she's his
its a les amis

it was just a masquerade
like any other fashion parade
she used you, cheated
like a piece of shit, you little migit

stop dreaming now
she's faded beyond the horizon
the clouds are blocking
on her heart there'll be no more knocking

life still goes on
everything seems so bleak
its different now
all cold, no heat

so release me from this threshold
from this constant struggle
i still have a name
i am the artist i am

sarah: man i gotta ask you. wads a migit?