all that cant be said

hahaa. this is my xmas wishlist. *hint hint*
1. birkenstocks
2. better than ezra cds
3. so long astoria
4. red polka dot skirt
5. new jeans
6. better bowling skills
7. to do well for my o levels.
8. world peace
9. for my skky to be happy. =)

was conferencing the night before with ian char sze fel and fred. ian and sze were laughing like mad. char was filing. thats kinda odd. fred and i were watching critters. but it lasted long and was fun lar. last night went for ed. super solemn session. got to know jiamin better. she's awesome!! hahaha. gave her a massage too. cheryl kept suaning me cos she was jealous. hahahahha. cheryl... you ar... den after ed kana suan again lar. by the usual pple. buggers. sooo wanted to supper with them but had to go off. oh well. maybe next time. this morning had tournament. i bowled sucky as usual. at least won lucky draw. congrats dee!! you got 3rd!! hahaha its all still fun though. now discussing with skyy whether to go out... oh yea. HAPPY WEDDING MS KOH!!

so i went to timmy's place for his birthday
he invited almost everyone and we had a parrrtay.
it was fun
so fun i got numb
the eating was good
i had mee siam quiche and even more food.
was hanging with fel fred ian and char
sze nigel cheryl. all sweet as a chocolate bar.
(damn am i bad at rhyming)
so we did something and den felt really bad.
den we pigged out cos we were sad.
(ok i really cant think of anything else to rhyme)
oh friggy dropped by and he got bombarded
by the guys with questions as they farted.
(i told you i was bad)
"my father calls you father.
so wad should i call ya?"
i thought that was real dumb
jus like a big black rotten thumb.
it was overall fun.
thanks tim. maybe next year i'll buy you a gun.

hahaha. sorry for the poem. actually its like a rap. im feeling all snoop doggy rite now. i tried my very best to rhyme. and i guess i pretty much gotta give up yea. i learnt stuff too. like ariel and alyssa were sisters. i never knew that. nigel is scandalous. and sze is one helluva lame butt. that the priest collar thing isnt made of cardboard. ivan almost ate mee siam off his flat plate. that mark always wears two shirts out. and i guess i learnt a lot more. wow rite. only one night somemore sia.

oh im totally an EZRALITE. hail better than ezra. im so gonna get their stuff.

this is going to be the SHALLOWEST entry ever. the major problem of the day.. is andy roddick. he lost to hewitt in straight sets!! masters cup semi finals. its times like these that it sucks being a fan. but hey you gotta stick it rite? yea so if hewitt beats federer, which by the way is impossible considering how amazingly good roger is. den lleyton will be no 2. not that it matters. but it sucks lar. i'm a good fan and agree that roger is too darn good to lose and andy jus flopped. so lleyton and roger probably deserve it. that's one super glitch in the SARAHSYSTEM today.
another rather interesting thing that happened happened yesterday. my red cross babies. yes they are all my babies haha. enshao yunxing yuliang lost their wallet and handphones in the school canteen. stuff like these always happen, jus seldom to someone close to you. so you kinda get a shock and question. at least i did. and i hope a teacher is reading this. school's supposed to be a safe place, a condusive environment for the students to study in. if you as the school do not provide for the students and meet the basic needs such as their safety how can you expect the students to like the school and work at their fullest potential. the principal wanted to install cctv. yea so where the hell is it? why procrastinate the serious matters like these and concentrate your efforts on building useless and redundant things like the bbq pit? please!! what kind of a school are you to mix up your priorities. do something about it. dont spend all your money building rubbish. blogs are meant for people to express their views. so i am telling you now. do something about it. cos right now i wont tell parents to send their kids to fairfield. go to the catholic schools. at least the archbishop is making improvement. well at least he bothers to try.
hmm i guess its not so shallow anymore. jus a whole lot of anger. haha. oh i heard on radio DEPRESSION IS SIMPLY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM. funny. totally.
anyway. today in church the homily was amusing. archbishop's doing advertising for the catholic schools. hahaha. since the protestants are doing it maybe we should too. PROPAGATE!! hahaha no lar. archbishop stated it very clearly. in catholic schools THE FAITH IS PROPOSED TO YOU BUT NOT IMPOSED ON YOU. thats the way it should be. soo.. optional chapel!! hahaha.
so was talking to jarrell. he's real funny. so quiet in person but a total wackjob online. the fella broke my heart. told me that fred quit the servers. FREDERICK KIERAN GOH!!! how dare you? jus wanna spite me rite? hahahaha. you still got the cassock? oh my gosh. ouch! it sooo hurts lar. hahah. can imagine all you buts out there reading and asking like wad's going on. well it doesnt matter anymore does it fred? hahaahaha. i love making a big deal out of fred in a cassock. guess i'll never see it again. oucchh.
yesterday went for some chinese thing. was sitting next to alvin cheong and he was a load of rubbish. we were drawing stuff and playing around while some fella was speaking in the front in chinese. so den all of us got scolded cos we werent listening. but the drawing thing was seriously amusing.
anyway im seriously disturbed. help me? someone? pleeeaasee??? oh and i had a dream which was ok when it happened. but when i woke up it was like WAD THE? yea. scary. help? someone? pleeeaaseeE?????

thanks for hearing me out skyyy!!! it's friends like you who truly keep me going on. and to everyone else who listened to me and made a difference. thank you!!

PS: hey confi pple. im thinking of organising a chalet. probably sentosa. during december. mail me.

Here in this diary,I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and not a spoken feeling.
I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80's songs;
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that mattersis just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.
Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, 'goodbye.'
Get on the bus, it's time to go.
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

haha. suddenly my life is sooo exciting. anyway went to cheryl's house along with fred and tim. nigel and ian decided not to join. met tim first at mrt. den when fred came we tried to dao him but he went into the mama shop. so we switched to PLAN B and decided to scare him at the mama shop. so we went in but den dunno wad happened so we jus said hi. actually its quite hard to scare fred cos he's rather emotionless, besides laughing and sometimes pouting. oh yar. reminds me. haha. jarrell said told me STOP POUTING ITS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR MOUTH.. haha i thought that was pretty funny. true i guess. thanks jarrell i will stop pouting!! hahaha. you should tell that to fred too. so at cheryl's place we watched a couple of dvds. oh man WHITE CHICKS was super funny!!!! especially the vanessa carlton part where they tried to sing. oh yar the pufferfish in shark tale looks like nigel. hahahaha. so amusing!!! hahaha. anyway after the movies we tries to persuade cheryl to come for dinner with us. but den she didnt want to so the three of us went instead. so we mrt-ed to jurong east and had long john silvers. JEH TIMOTHY WANT TO EAT LONG JOHN SILVERS. hahaha fred reported to felicia. so tim retorted SEE LAR NOW SHE WILL THINK ITS MY IDEA. but it was, tim!!! hhaha i found that quite amusing. so den felicia came to join us for dinner. i ordered a fish wrap and corn. the fish wrap's lettuce and diced tomatos were all SPEWING out of the pita thing. ok now spewing lar. thats an exaggeration. den the corn was soooo small okaaay. for one dollar somemore. oh there was this little kid who keep ringing the bell. i found that quite amusing too.so we at the table we talked. thanks felicia for listening to my "problem". im gonna go for your advice!! it was hard opening up. but it felt good lar. after that tim left cos his mom was bugging him to get home. fred wanted to go to the arcade so felicia and i followed. he played VIRTUA TENNIS 2. hahaha. carlos moya looked pretty realistic i must say. but the game itself. TOTALLY NOT!! it was like 287 winners 0 unforced errors. not a single time did the player net!! fred was playing and playing and playing and playing. felicia and i wanted to get home. so we... LEFT HIM THERE. hahahha. anyway it was a reallyyyyy fun day!! thank you felicia cheryl tim and fred!!!!! seems it was a very AMUSING DAY.

todays song is DEPERATELY WANTING by BETTER THAN EZRA. lazy to explain lar. im not even sure if any os you even check out these songs. but they ARE good. and thats all that matter.

today was possibly the biggest day of my life. my confirmation day. for those who dont know what it is. its kinda like an affirmation of your faith. anyway... so i went to jelita in the morning and bought 30 roses. its was fun buying flowers!! den at 2 went to church to meet guan. he was having a free hair styling service. i refused to be one of his victims though. haha it wasnt that bad actually. he did valery and sherri's hair and it turned out okay. but he did tim's and tim started freaking out. haha. typical tim. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH I HAVENT USED WAX IN MY ENTIRE LIFE ITS SO STICKY. haahha. sorry tim. he's soooo cute. oh i had 4 ties to choose from and eventually settled for tim's shiny orange one. den char picked out matching earrings for me. kevin was in st mikes and he was saying my earrings were too big. haha. den char showed him the rest and he couldnt say anything more cos they were all bigger!! hahaha. after dat went upstairs to st pauls. the corridor was soooo crowded. gave out the flowers to guan samfoo sherri jamie jasmine fred zach samuel timchan timhwang ian nigel bra louisa manda amelia petrina poon jarrell joel john rik leon cheryl tamsyn phillip andrea char. you guys better take care of my roses ar.. put your names here so that you will be PRESSURED to take care of them. anyways. i had my favourite thing in the entire world with me. rik's sunglasses. friggy started calling me SARAH BRIGHTMAN. i dont mind cos shes real cool esp in phantom of the opera.nigel had the whole joke bout my tie being so bright i had to wear shades. timhwang still thought i was george harrison. im RINGO STARR boy!! anyways. i was pounded left right centre by ian nigel tim and fred for being short. SHAME ON YOU FREDERICK KIERAN GOH. anyway. took photos with almost everyone, even with jesus. hahaha. stupid guys took one with their hands rested on my head. I GET YOUR POINT!!! im trying okaay. den all of us made our way to the main church. we sat down. and it was fun sitting next to samuel. guan and petrina did the readings. papa chia was around to say mass. and it was all so overwhelming. after mass we all went up to the altar and went nuts with TRADING MY SORROWS. and the lose weight song this is how we overcome. after that it was back to st pauls. met this lady who told me she knew my brother terence and his girlfren thru RCIA. only during dinner did i realise she's a RODRIGUEZ!!! oh my gosh. hey daphne. i think thats your name. leave me a msg if you see this!! den took more pictures. sorry i whacked you on the chin keith!! saw vanessa huang!!! hahaha. got presents too. CONFI CAMP GRP 5 RAAWWWKSS!! den went to jcc for dinner. the service was horrible!!!! so my brother derek got pissed off and gave the waitress a dressing down. i couldnt help but to chip in a little too. im sorry!! den my dad went to complain and so we got 20% discount!!! but my brother michael switched to the chef stepping on the steak to tenderise it part. note to self: never complain before your food comes. den we took more photos. went to the lounge to watch cameron diaz kick butt. den went home. wad a beautiful day!!! well once again i jus wanna say a big THANK YOU to EVERYONE!! VC CATCLASS PPLE/FACILS. PRIESTS. EVERYONE!!!!

alrite song part. i really like IN THE DIARY by THE ATARIS. check it out.

wow wad an eventful 2 days. yep yep. yesterday was the 12th. woke up at 5.45!!!! yes so early.. to go for the MDIS bowling tournament. daddy was driving den dee called to say we got the time wrong. so i went home and played SIMS. haha. so lame. den evening went for the tournament. saw ian there with his churchies. they look like his cousins man. den bowled horribly!!!! horrible i say horrible. but it was nice bowling after so long. plus we bowled next to augustine's SJI team and he has a wicked hook man!!! kinda like stanley's left handed hook. after horirble bowling from me. we still got 4th overall and 1st among the girls. so i guess we did quite well lar. at night...nothing much. went to sleep. sat morning had red cross. talked to mr firhad during at base along with hidayat. had fun and i still want my KUEH DADAR!! however you spell it.den rusheed to church. woah it was AMAZING!! i think i scared sam with all the crying. hey sam. thanks for being there yea? well.. i was really deep in prayer today. jus had the connection. all my fears and doubts finally cleared. with much crying. but it was all with the lord so i know i'm saved!! he's the best man!! anyway during PNW i was like STUCK next to tim. haha. stupid fella kept disturbing me. aww but i love you still darrling!!! the other one was guan. we did this like bitchy thing. and it was real fun!!! damn got damn HIGH during the rest of pnw. too bad we didnt get to sing the LOSE WEIGHT SONG this is how we overcome. den while waiting for mommy was taking pictures with my ultimate favourite thing in the whole wide world!!! Rik's SUNGLASSES!!! man do i look good. back home it was back to sims. but i was screwing around with my sims. so all of them were really unhappy cos there was so many extra marital affairs going on. one woman had 3 husbands!!! and all were in the same house. hahahhaa. fun!!!!hahahha. soooo much fun these last 2 daysss!!!

oh yar.. song recommendation. since i got leonard into this one. i'll let everyone know. it's VITAMIN R (LEADING US ALONG) by CHEVELLE. its an mtv after skool rocks song. so you know wad to expect. good stuff definitely. much different from burn baby burn.

tomorrow is CONFIRMATION. yep yep. jus wanna thank EVERYONEE!!! all the people from VC and CAT CLASS. its been soooo many years with sooo many of you. confi camp was definitely the BEST THING EVER!!! i love you guys man!!! and trust me you'll see me around in church more now that i've cleared all my fears with the man upstairs.

was pumping songs into my i pod when poof!! the laptop went into hibernation. its sucked cos i was working on like 2 percent battery life. at least i got 123 more songs into that small fella. i think im gonna name it. how bout bacon? bacon the i pod. wow. sounds good. alrite i've decided to do something with my blog. so wad im gonna do is song recommendations. you know.. spread the love. so for today. i'll start with one of my favourite songs ever!! its called burn baby burn and its by ash. only the greatest alternative band in the entire universe. okay this sounds a little punkish. only a little. but come on!! the guitars totally rip!! so go buy ash!!!
anyway. kinda have something i wanna address. oh sorry GB girls if you think i'm pissed off cos i didnt want to play captains ball. but i really had to go back. not bluffing. yea my lifes boring lar. cant expect much from this page here. cos firstly im a total nut and dont know how to fully utilise a blog. all i know is to post stuff. so i only can offer you people who actually bother to read..well, essays and song recommendations. the first one may disappoint but the second is guaranteed satisfaction. alrite. im meeting bacon. bye.

BREAKING UP
Mrs. James consoled me in her gentle voice. She told me that everything would be alright. She also explained something about fighting to me, but I was all too distracted to understand what she said. It had been going on for days.

Every night, Mummy would tuck me into bed, giving me a warm hug and a good night kiss. I would close my eyes and snuggle up to Mr Teddy under my blanket. As she closed the door, I would open my eyes and wait. Daddy would come in and sit himself on the red cushioned chair in the corner. Whenever he looked at me I would close my eyes. The last time, when I spoke to Daddy, Mummy hit me, so I was too afraid to make a sound. Daddy would sulk in the corner, occasionally looking up at me, with tears welling in his eyes. After about five minutes, Mummy would gingerly open the door and give Daddy a hard stare. Recognising his cue, he would walk up to me and give me a kiss on my forehead. Sometimes his salty teardrops reach me too. Then he would turn and leave the room, with Mummy following close behind.

I was terribly confused. Mummy told me Daddy was working in London. If that was the case then how was it possible he comes to visit me every night? I wondered if she was lying to me. Once, Mummy mentioned something about leaving and moving. But I could not understand. School was so much fun. Mrs. James taught the class art and we learn how to make paper dolls out of origami paper. I always had fun at school, until it came the time for dismissal. Going home only meant more uncertainty. It would remind me of how much I missed Daddy and of all the times Mummy hit me because I could not answer her questions.

One Tuesday Mummy hit me again. The more I cried the more she would hit me. So I held back the tears and shut my eyes tightly. I had thoughts that I knew were bad, thoughts of running away with Mr Teddy, of venting my frustration on classmates and of talking to Daddy at night. But that day I knew why she hit me. Jimmy was tugging at my shirt and demanding a quarter from me. So I hit him, the way Mummy did to me.

"Tommy is only five and displays two very different characteristics. He throws tantrums and is disruptive in class, yet at other times he keeps to himself. Normal children his age are experimenting values such as friendship and usually get along with other children very well," Mrs. James spoke to Mummy in the classroom, while I peered through the gap between the almost closed door and the doorframe from the outside.

I sat back down on the floor under the huge poster plastered on the wall, which read " Know When Your Kids Are Troubled". I clenched my fist and punched the wall in anger. Mrs. James always said to close my eyes and count slowly to ten whenever I was angry. So I did just that and felt much better after. Covering my ears with my palms I started singing "Bob the Builder". Then all of a sudden I lost track of what I was angry about.
Mummy walked out of the classroom and I greeted her with a huge smile, showing as much teeth as I could. Then she reached down and hit me. Again and again. Until Mrs. James stopped her. I stood there, accustomed to the pain, it had already become a habit not to cry.

That day was also the first time I saw Daddy sitting down on the sofa in the living room in almost three months. As Mummy fumbled for the key to lock the door behind us, I ran up to Daddy’s opened arms. The feeling was long forgotten. Then Mummy grabbed hold of my arm like a vice and pulled me away from him. Right there in front of me, she hurled expletives at him. Stretching out her right hand, she struck Daddy on his left cheek with her palm, the shrill sound of it echoing in my head.

What was going on? I had not been able to speak to or even touch Daddy for so long. Now that I was able to, Mummy pulled me away and hit him like she did to me. I closed my eyes and counted to ten as a streak of fury dashed in my blood.

Mummy shouted. The words "separation" and "moving" were mentioned again. I did not understand and still do not. I love Mummy. I love Daddy. Mummy loves Daddy. Daddy loves Mummy. Mummy and Daddy love Tommy. They quarreled. I stood at the corner of the room, looking on in confusion, hurt and anger.
The next day when I reached school, I talked to Mrs. James.

"Why are they quarreling?" I asked curiously.

"Tommy, your parents are getting a divorce. Do you know what that is?"

I shook my head.

"Well, it’s when a married couple decides to stop being married. So they live in different houses and not together anymore." Mrs. James patiently explained.

It all started to make some sense. Maybe the reason why Daddy only came only at night was because Mummy did not want him to come into her house. After all in a divorce they would live in different houses. But why did she pull me away from Daddy? Up till now I still have yet to uncover that mystery.

Three days later on Friday, I woke up to a rainy morning. Daddy was sitting on the bed next to me. Normally Mummy would be the one who greeted me in the morning. A trial of blood extended from the outside of the room, through the open doorway and into the room, all the way to Daddy’s feet. I looked up at Daddy. His long-sleeved dark green shirt was drenched in sweat, obvious from the regions of darker green. Lifting up his right hand, he used the back of his palm to wipe off the damp mess of sweat and tears. Yes, he was crying. But what surprised me even more was what he was holding, clutched in between his fingers and thumb. It was a gun. Daddy took his other hand and patted me on the head, then stroked my face lovingly. He lifted the gun up and shot. I closed my eyes.

So here I lie in a hospital bed. Mrs. James comes everyday and accompanies me for a large portion of the day. Mummy and Daddy have not come in the entire month I have been staying in the hospital. Mrs. James told me Mummy and Daddy have both gone to a better place, somewhere not on this earth. I do not remember anything about them leaving though. I just hope I will get to see them again.

ok im supposed to do an essay on breaking up. a short story i think. i digressed so much that i ended up with this piece of work.

BREAKING UP

“Breaking up is so hard to do,” Neil Sedaka wrote about love as it really is. No more false appearances and facades which we make up just to deceive ourselves. Love always ends in break up, whether in death or divorce, it is all the same. That same feeling. That same pain.
Three weeks ago, my sixteen-year-old child was taken away. Three weeks later she was found. Dead. Pain in death usually is accompanied by a strong sense of regret. A mother’s regret in this case. Thinking how she could have treated her daughter better. Remembering that subtle smile. It was always painful.

Annie had always wanted the red polka dot dress. But I would not give it to her. Weighed down by financial burdens and the trauma of my recent divorce. She was an obedient and filial child. She always understood what I was going through. She tried to help out as much as possible. That is how she got to know that man, through work. Work which she did to help me pay the bills. I could never give her what she wanted, instead I gave her more problems. She was given the responsibility of taking care of her younger brother and sister since I was working two jobs. School, work, home. The pressure was too intense for a girl of her age. Undoubtedly, she was mature but still vulnerable. Certainly, I could have done a better job providing for her. I am a horrible parent, and now I live in a world of “what if”.

So what if the whole world knows who is the aggressor? So what if he is going to be hung and die a terrible death? Nothing can bring that smile back. Nothing can erase the pain. For so long, her fate laid in a precarious position. At least to me. I was convinced she was dead. But a part of me refused to let go. Until she was found. The girl’s body shrivelled up, accomodating to the small space given to her in death. Stripped of her dignity by the man with the hidden agenda, one she trusted, but apparently, what goes around does not come around. He took her trust and used it to shatter her fragile heart. To rob me of my child. She spoke so fondly of him. Her first boyfriend, the one who brought her flowers and gave her kisses.

Every night, with tearful plea I pray. For her to be brought back to me. For peace to be found from deep in the catacombs of my heart. I seek solace and find refuge in my faith. The faith that God will raise me up and take me on eagle’s wings, soaring in the skies, easing my pain, lifting the burden off of my shoulders. With the strength of God and the blessing of the Holy Spirit I shall fulfill the will of my father. The saviour saved me so that I may forgive and bury the hatchet. The Lord’s Prayer says “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”.

Listening to Staind. Taking in the music. Aaron Lewis sings “I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today”. Despite all the setbacks and obstacles I struggled to overcome. I believe I am ready to forgive. Definitely not ashamed and proud to be the person that I am today. With Annie as my everlasting guardian angel, breaking up is hard. But it is not Armageddon.

yep. well my blog's gonna be full of stuff like dat. maybe a little of wad happens to me. but i have a boring life. so it'll be a whole lot of my imagination! spread the word!!