all that cant be said

Yours Truly Presents: The Morning Benders

2010-07-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

Yourstru.ly Presents: The Morning Benders "Stitches" from Yours Truly on Vimeo.

The Morning Benders are an amazing band from Berkeley that I've had the luck of watching on two occasions. Here, they team up with the Echo Chamber Orchestra and Yours Truly for a super version of their song "Stitches", off sophomore Big Echo.

Go to www.themorningbenders.com to check them out, as well as get a free mp3 of the upbeat "Promises".

Imagination/Life

2009-07-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

when so much of life is imagination

it's hard when you can still tell the two apart

future reflections

2009-06-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

i'm going to use this to get myself a job before graduation

/

2008-02-21T11:06:00.001-08:00

i really miss samuel. i wish he'd come back soon. especially with the recent shootings in the american schools. worries me thinking of mike and samuel there.

close your eyes and listen to jose gonzalez

young/old

2008-02-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

some might say

you live until you die

when youre old you only sigh

because you feel so let down

where's the truth

feeling old when you are young

being old you cant be young

it's a perversion of numbers

age has taught

what centuries has claimed

lives lost in dismay

in the torrents on display

when it's not your mistake to make

Into The Wild

2008-02-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Probably no one is going to read this. Still, recording this down makes me feel more concrete in my beliefs and ideals.

Started reading Into The Wild, about a young man named Chris McCandless. He ventured alone into the wilderness and eventually died in the wilderness of Alaska. Some say he was brave, a hero, an ambitious young man who lived his dream. Others argue that he was stupid, arrogant and full of flamboyance and bravado. I say he did what he wanted, maybe he was reckless, well, probably, but he's done more for himself than I can say for myself.

Reading about him, this hopelessly charming, incredibly intelligent 23-year-old who practically killed himself, makes me think that he's not all that different from the rest of us. Sure, he was super smart, maintaining almost perfect grade point averages all through his academic career. Still, he was more like us than Bill Gates or Stephen Hawkings, or that smart kid from your class who talks in huge words and walks with his chin to the ceiling. I don't think I'm anything like him, but I do think that if I were, it would be better than this.

Having felt stuck and uninspired for most, if not all of my life, and then suddenly being immersed into the last months of his Chris' life makes me think that I should do better than I am now. Like maybe I should watch less Family Guy and do more philanthropic kinds of stuff. You know, venture into my own wilderness and lose myself, not like Eminem, but more like that Greek-looking guy in the painting The Ship by Salvador Dali. Tired and wet with sails on his back, clmbing out of the ocean into something else. Half man, half sea-boat thing. Maybe I'm half girl, half Bear Grylls, sort of.

hypocrisy

2006-09-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

there are so many things you dont know about me

but i can see through you

the girlfriends, the lies, the broken promises

i know what you want and what you need

and surely you know that too

it's just too sad because you will never learn from your mistakes

so you get hurt and you blame everyone else

can't you see you dug this hole and put yourself into it

i sympathise with you. you hypocrite.

payback

2006-09-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

PAYBACK

its only when you look around
that you realise what you have
but when you do exactly that
you realise what you lack

but who are we to judge and say
take a bit and the glory will stay
consolation's a piece of dirt
when you realise your friend's a jerk

ouch my heart it grinds in pain
boom my head explodes in restraint
youve been broken, time runs long
unforgiven, who's to say we cant get along

all these games we used to play
skills we mastered along the way
smile with a heart as black as tar
running over me like you drive nascar

slap me bitch and i'll slap you back
careful your pretty jaw might crack
take your hypocrisy, i'll chew it up
spit it out into your money cup

feeling used and thrown aside
paint a picture: woosh goes her pride
wait, now it matters, all will be fine?
only with you stuck onto the foot called mine

cos it's only when you look around
that you realise what you had
but too late to regret, my love
cos you cant have it back

im sorry you regret, my love

but payback's a bitch.

note: i'm not being mean, but maybe i am A LITTLE inspired by life. cos if you treat people like dirt, you have it coming to you. what goes around comes around. they dont call it karma just cos it sounds cool. the KARMA POLICE are coming after you. and i'd run if i were YOU.

/

2006-06-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

julian casablancas

i've always like the troubled ones.

love letter

2006-06-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

LOVE LETTER

dear sam,
you'll be alive enough to read this

i know it's going to be difficult
strange hands wielding weapons
charging at each other
you find yourself caught in the middle
confused and helpless

but think what you are to them
god's convoy to their pain
under all the dismay
a grateful heart heals wounds
your passionate heart cures

in face of danger
god protects you
in the face of sadness
little smiles carry you through
remember

earthquake, volcano, riot, civil war
god sees you through it all
he sent you to make better
he sent you, my friend
god's love letter.

maybe even more

2006-05-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

MAYBE EVEN MORE

wind twirled the willows
blown to spirals of white
round the air the spirit
of the lost lonely longing

life in the valley
hostess of the party
owner of the lonely
pride of her parents

she walks in and heads turn
in her direction gazing
somewhere in the corner maybe
that is where she will find

friend to the outcasted
hope to the sick
dream of so many
just another in the crowd

her eyes shift as quickly
as her mind allows
recognising and familiarising
but wheres the one she wants

dependable shoulder
cloud shading the scorch
"someday you'll find happiness"
consultation for the troubled

people stare back in blank
needle sharp insults even
but she's not bothering them
she's not looking for them

perfection epitomised?
perceptive finalised
inside breeds each disease
she helped to rid in others

what a facade, so superficial
wheres her hope
where are the words
lost are the actions

she needs it as much as them
she needs him maybe even more

so different from me

2006-05-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

plane leaves in an hour
all packed up and ready to go
its not lasting forever
turns in time i cant control

bring me around to how it was
trip over infidelity
fall to our senses
pins needles forks and knives
scars left which taint our lives

who was the new arrival
lights will dim and clouds part
nature bows to her majesty
so different from me

take me back to how it began
rivers flow form seas
would you be my girlfriend
pins needles forks and knives
hurtful tears to my eyes

empty promises
what right have you?
torn apart
what am i to you?

uncertainty

2006-05-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

can you put the past away?

maybe.

pale white like your skin

2006-04-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

you are calm and reposed
but your beauty unfolds
pale white like the skin
stretched over your bones
spring keeps you ever close
you are second hand smoke
you are so fragile and thin
standing trail for your sins
holding onto yourself
the best you can
you are the smell before rain
you are the blood in my veins

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
glad that you can forgive
only hoping as time goes
you can forget.

_brand new

tribute

2006-04-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

oh so you think you can tell
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain.
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel ramp,
a smile from a veil.
do you think you can tell?

oh how i wish
how i wish you were here.

pink floyd.

story

2006-04-01T03:44:00.000-08:00

good is a relative word. when there's no bad, there's no good. so what's life without the bad? your life, my life. our lives.

STORY

so here's another story
of another girl in a situation
could it be love?
maybe it is friendship.
family too pricks like thorn
sticks and stones break your bones
work and play, oh what dismay.

she has no way.

but then again,
this is just another story
of another girl in a situation.

anal hair part 2

2006-03-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

Anal Hair Part 2.

I said I love you,
I really really do.
But one fine day I decided,
to try something new.
With wax smeared on between my crack,
I started to proceed,
to plaster a strip of paper to the crevice at my back.
I clenched my teeth and shut my eyes,
as I pulled with all my might,
the strip of paper came right off with a really awesome "Shh-raaaaaaack"
Oh the pain I had to bear just to strip you from my ass,
but it was all worth it to see my nice clean bottom.
Well I didn't really get a shock that threw me off my scrotum,
I did find it lovely that my rear was nice and clean.
The days went by and you came back oh-so-very-quick,
you gave me such an itch, that really made me twitch.
It felt like someone put a toilet brush,right between my cheeks.
A lesson learnt that very day,
that I must never shave. (or wax)
Ultimately my little one,
I'll keep you from the sun.
No more shaving, no more waxing,
because that my friend, is very taxing.
I love you anal hair.

note: refer to anal hair part one. we love you ben!

these people are gods in their own right.

2006-03-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

good music was around all the while. and listening to iron maiden doesnt make anyone a satanist. plus this song really makes you look at life from another perspective, something we all need.

HALLOWED BE THY NAME by iron maiden (1985)

I'm waiting in my cold cell, when the bell begins to chime.
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn't have much time.
'Cause at 5 o'clock they take me to the Gallows pole,
The sands of time for me are running low.
When the priest comes to read me the last rites,
I take a look through the bars at the last sights,
Of a world that has gone very wrong for me.
Can it be that there's some sort of error.
Hard to stop the surmounting terror.
Is it really the end, not some crazy dream.
Somebody please tell me that I'm dreaming,
It's not so easy to stop from screaming,
The words escape me when i try to speak.
Tears fall but why am I crying,
After all I'm not afraid of dying.
Don't I believe that there never is an end.
As the guards march me out to the courtyard,
Somebody cries from a cell God be with you.
If there's a God then why has he let me go?
As I walk my life drifts before me,
Though the end is near I'm not sorry.
Catch my soul, it's willing to fly away.
Mark my words believe my soul lives on.
Don't worry now that I have gone.
I've gone beyond to see the truth.
When you know that your time is close at hand.
Maybe then you'll begin to understand,
Life down here is just a strange illusion
Hallowed Be Thy Name

cheese on crackers

2006-02-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

CHEESE ON CRACKERS

grandma served me cheese on crackers
to teach me the ways of life
father bought me toys in packages
to show me love's shapes and sizes

who knew what it all meant
we were all young then anyway
with no experience of reality
who knew what it could have meant

cheese on crackers, toys in packages
young and naive, brushing it off
older and misunderstood
finally knowing what it all meant.

and how it could have been. if only

tell me

2006-01-14T01:20:00.000-08:00

TELL ME

now we need some time to settle down
decide what we want to eventually achieve
because today is what makes tomorrow
and tomorrow is the future we have to live
whats the use of moving without direction
being lost without any sense of cause
tell me that love is what you're here for
tell me that you'll love me even more than before

dream of numbers as years to arrive
looking back we wonder how we ever survived
the contradictions that face us everyday
we wonder how we manage to choose the right way
perceptive images of an idealistic realm
force us to exceed in volumes of excellence
tell me that our together is what you want us to be
tell me that love was made specially for you and me

this feeling nascent yet again
first taste is different yet awkwardly the same
then it comes familiar like second nature somehow
till it turns amazement and captures our souls
it hopes to last a lifetime along with tears and rain
of happiness expanding and life reborn again
tell me our love will stand the test of time
tell me you love me and will stay forever mine

a mile away

2005-12-20T09:41:00.000-08:00

A MILE AWAY

because love is a mile away
as the road sign on the right says
shimmering in green
words made out to show the world
60 miles an hour
love my dear is only a mile away

across the road from the broken down tavern
fields harvest seeds of years to come
life triumphs with each step of the way
i sold out the devil for a place with god
because life is only a mile away
life my dear is but a mile away

we're never there until we arrive
same, we never learn till we experience
past the crack skip the abyss
do not fall into deceit and entrapment
that's the truth a mile away
truth my dear is only a mile away

so the grass is greener on the other side
down we fall with each beam of pride
been there done that how about you?
row on over my sinner friend
one mile across to the other side
humility my dear is a mile away

persevere on dont bat an eyelid
cast away the shadow beside you
be gone and never come back say to it
that's the prize a mile away
from now on let evil have no say
heaven, yes, heaven is a mile away

in my words: a personal expression of humanity.

2005-12-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

dedicated to mark. if not for you i won't be updating. glad to know i'm of some help! in my words is how i inteprete certain things in life. and the understanding and appreciation of the woes and triumphs.

IN MY WORDS

paranoia,
a queer misplacement of trust.
hope,
a faith that the worst won't befall you.
ambition,
the steering direction in our younger days.
regret,
hearing the words "i told you so".
pressure,
an invisible force causing uncontrollable distress.
loss,
a void which cannot be filled.
time,
a commodity which we often resent.
truth,
words that elude us even when we try.
grace,
a marvellous presence of peace and tranquility.
sympathy,
an understanding of another's pain.
pain,
an imaginary blade which slashes our soul.
knowledge,
simply not getting lost.
hate,
the unfortunate nature of a judgemental person.
love,
an ability to embrace the weakness of another.
passion,
wanting it more than we comprehend.
fairness,
the distinguishing factor between right and wrong.
justice,
a system of integrity and righteousness.
poetry,
an expression of complex human emotions.
in my words:
a personal explanation of humanity, it's wrath, power and joy.

okay with you gone

2005-11-23T05:03:00.000-08:00

OKAY WITH YOU GONE

holding flowers over a tomb
walking cautiously over those in bloom
the light drizzle against my skin
the light winds carress the hurt i hold within
the afternoon light warms the cold inside my heart
that void which has been existent ever since
how ironic with the rain falling
while inside i experience drought
deep in thought of how it came about
not plagued by pain,
but bothered by the lack thereof
the numbness i wonder how it came to be
as in life you were always with me
am i wrong to feel this way
because im only here to attain redemption
for forgetting you, ignoring what you had to say
i come to know to take to blame
of how it all feels the same
how should i feel without you around
not joy not pain nothing abound
confused my heart is turned away
why the prayers do nothing alay
widened thoughts and flashbacks of time
if i could what will i unwind
so today i visit you here
evoke in me some passion and feeling
let this load of nothing disappear
throw me sorrow
chained to a tear for each tomorrow
give me pain
make me wish i want you back again
take something dear away from me
let me feel i'e lost my way
please tell me how im supposed to be
i need to know what you have to say
i can't continue being okay with you gone

cautionary waves

2005-09-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

it's about losing and remembering. how many things are made to be remembered. while for others we cant help but remember.

CAUTIONARY WAVES

tellings stories of legends
myths of times rare
lands sunken with each wave of time
such will last my lifetime
and many more to come

but there are times
when we look out to sea
peaceful waves lapse over
yet we know something's not right
nothing just seems the same tonight

how long will we last?
stand the test of time
grow old with each strand of white hair
with each wrinkle of our face
will the memory of all this disappear?

out in the horizon
day is giving way to the night
vast planes of magnificence
joined as one with another in the sky
will it all go away someday?

she used to call them cautionary waves
when the tide rises high
and the rocks disappear under
the foam now leaves itself on the shore
all a blur and nothing more

the stories i knew so well
told others and understood
told to me by her alone
everyday i sit at this same spot
waiting for the next wave of thought of her

it is here i find her spirit
only here i know her soul exists still
with each lap of the wave
comes a single flash of her
waves which she disappeared under

remembering isnt easy
neither is forgetting
i wish she'd believed it herself
those waves werent anything ordinary
like legends they were forever keeping her.

happily ever after (pimped version)

2005-09-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

so i'm trying my hand at rapping and some hip hop. hahaha. i love this one.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER (PIMPED VERSION)

rocked out baby
cant stop its sold out
flick my finger at the thriller
rock it out babe
maybe it'll be the killer
look up there
it's the camera
a black and white affair
she's so pretty
look at her

post her picture
sell it to the crowd
mtv's new feature
they be cheering loud
give it up now

hear me rap
it's time you took a step
so get back now
get back
cos imma blow your mind
now its time
cos its a special kind
now i'm fine
cos imma blow your mind

now he's back there doing numbers
dancing to the beat of sound
breaking it like wacko jacko
bringing the roof down to the ground
woah now so get back yo
get back

she's looking from behind
she's impressed
man he's fine
watch him grooving to the beat
taken right off LA's street
take it back now
cos he's up on the stage
take it back yo
she's looking him up on a yellow page

so wow
and then they meet somehow
in a club in a town
all grown up, decked up in style
she's so pretty
tonight he's free
they hook up
live since together
drinking cristal
happily ever after

pharrell babe youre so hot
you've got me jumping on the spot
read this here
call me my dear
then we'll live happy ever after.
word.

A POEM BY BENEDICT LOW

2005-09-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

this is all ben's idea. i had nothing to do with it.

A POEM BY BENEDICT LOW

Oh, anal hair,
Oh anal hair,
Without you, my arse would be so bare!a
I wouldn't even dare,
to take a peek at my bottom,
without getting shocked off my scrotum.
I know this is getting too adult,
for my little appreciation about,
you, my precious, precious anal hair.
Oh, anal hair,
Oh anal hair,
Without you, I'll feel so bare.
Oh anal hair,
How I love you so.
I love you anal hair.

why do you even talk to me?

2005-09-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

gosh this one screams desperate. haha

WHY DO YOU EVEN TALK TO ME?

I am so caught up
I don’t know what to do
I’m tired of waiting
But I can’t forget you
This is my dilemma
Told out in some lines
This is my confession
Please, love, give me some signs
I can’t go on like this
Because now I’m feeling like a loada rotten piss

My phone’s sitting there
I’m waiting for your call
Sulking on my chair
“Could you meet me at the mall”
Why don’t you ever ask me?
I like you and I know you see
If you don’t feel the same
At least don’t play me
I need someone I can blame
I just don’t see why it should be me

Waiting and anticipating
Where are you?
What are you doing?
Hoping but never learning
Are you thinking of me?
Well I’m thinking of you too.
Finding answers all in vain
Need I mention it’s us again.

So you’re big ass popular
And girls love being around you
They fling their hair
You act all cool like you don’t care
It’s nice to know you talk to me
Leaving the other girls to be
Imagine my feeling when you leave prettyland
Come over to join in the uglygang
I enjoy your company
Hoping with me you similarly agree

Waiting and anticipating
Where are you?
What are you doing?
Hoping but never learning
Are you thinking of me?
Well I’m thinking of you too.
Finding answers all in vain
Need I mention it’s us again.

cardboard fortress

2005-09-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

dont hang on to things that will die.

CARDBOARD FORTRESS

you and i together we built it
the monument in my backyard
one we knew only pride of
the only thing in the world we shared
tall and mighty was our stronghold
holding a promise alive and bold
together forever in our cardboard fortress

you left me here all alone
just me and my faded sweater
a heart full of anguish
a soul filled with confused regret
how am i supposed to go on?
how do you expect me to survive?
all the comfort i knew was us
together forever in our cardboard fortress

remember sandpit number 3
the blueprint representing you and me
the plan for out future together
now we are so far off track
drifted apart with stormy weather
wishful thinking on our part
could a cardboard fortress defend our hearts?

why did you leave me on my own
holding on to my old faded sweater
dont you feel any anguish?
is your soul devoid of all regret?
now you expect me to move on
arent you afraid i wont survive?
the comfort you assured was us
together forever in our cardboard fortress

that cold wednesday afternoon
as the wind blew hard against the window
the sun moved to give way to the moon
you grabbed my blue sweater
told me to wait for you there
that day you brought our fortress into the room
told me one day you'll be my groom

yesterday you called me on my phone
told me this has gone on too long
"i need some time to be on my own"
you told me how we were so wrong
i listen and watch my entire world collapse
i fight back the tears, acting strong
praying to god for time to elaspe
with quick speed, please i need

why did you leave me on my own
holding on to my old faded sweater
dont you feel any anguish?
is your soul devoid of all regret?
now you expect me to move on
arent you afraid i wont survive?
the comfort you assured was us
together forever in our cardboard fortress

false hope built on old rotten soil
stronghold made of mouldy cardboard
we thought that was enough
unexpectedly under danger sprawled
my fault, i did it on my own accord
young naive and too eager to believe
love materialised in simple child's play
together forever in our cardboard fortress

lost now
gone somehow
what should i do?
baby i love you

idle wind

2005-09-01T04:19:00.000-07:00

this one is by a friend who chooses to remain anoynomous.

IDLE WIND

now comes spring
in the heat of things
in full bloom is was meant
not to me my fate is bent

its been lies I say
thinking it doesn’t stay
deep inside this shallow pit
feelings aren’t quite fit

nothing’s in, void
press deep and find space
too weak to settle
on this bottomless race

midst of the flowering fields
an idle wind is
Lilacs smile and roses dance
against me, I must forgo the chance

some things I know
I am not alone
for there is a conversion
from embedment to drone

As always
seasons come and go
spring will end, summer’s here
out comes the sun again
so crawl out of the rabbit hole
its more than just than gold

so pray with time it’ll fade
just like how it was made
so heartbroken I may leave
its good for me, a lousy thief

build your 'perfect' lady

2005-08-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

hello guys! today you shall take part in the build your 'perfect' lady challenge. created by me! and enhanced by the kind souls namely ivan, ben see and people sitting near me during amath. although ben was just talking horny most of the time. =) of course those were not put in here.
oh to the people in church whom i asked, im not sorry. hehe. it was fun creeping all ye fellas out with the questions.
no one's perfect, hence the inverted commas. since perfect women dont exist, might as well make the best of what is available. unless she's jessica alba of course.

BUILD YOUR 'PERFECT' LADY CHALLENGE

sexy or pretty?

boobs or butt?

bushy eyebrows or unibrow?

oversized hands or oversized feet?

overgrown nostril hair or overgrown ear hair?

oversized nose or oversized ears?

unproportionately long toes or unproportionately long fingers?

hairy arms or hairy legs?

thunderthighs or flabby arms?

hairy chest or hairy butt?

bad teeth or bad breath?

bad hair or dandruff?

overly innocent or horny?

oversized lips or oversized eyelids?

one nostril or no nipples? (not created by me)

bad-mannered or vulgar?

hairy all over or bruised all over?

disgustingly lacking nails or disgustingly long nails?

one eye or one ear?

eyes cocked to the centre or eyes cocked to the sides?

crooked body or crooked face?

different coloured eyes or different coloured lips?

if your partner were cheating on you, would you want him/her to be cheating on you with a man/woman?

END : imagine.

i'm all out. can't think of anymore. maybe i'll come back and update it. thanks all who helped and attempted. special thanks to confirmand matthew for asking for more. no thanks to confirmand benedict for scolding me crazy and disgusting. hahaha. ok fine maybe a little. but not that much!!

further by longview

2005-08-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

this verse is adapted from the song further by longview. it's beautiful!! the rest of the song's good too. but this one just blows me away.

FURTHER

I think now of summers high
And reminisce on past times gone by
Only remembered now in
Earth, trees, the stars that have been there
And there forever held
Kept safe but memories never told
But felt if you went by
In never changing sky

mr cabbage

2005-07-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

let your imagination run wild!! imagine youre a peasant, mr cabbage, who plants cabbage for a living. everyday, all you eat is cabbage. on mondays, you at the cabbage with rice, on tuesday in noodles, on wednesday its all fried up. on thursdays, you make cabbage soup. fridays you drink cabbage juice, saturdays you claypot the cabbage and sundays you eat at mcdonalds. and you love life like that. then one day...

MR CABBAGE

the little townspeople scream for help
"help help help help help!"
its the evil villian of the town!
"hurry up! duck your heads down!"
"muah ha ha ha HA ha ha" (big letters represent louder tone)
"oh please evil man dont tear down the spa!"

seems like thats all the others cared for
mr cabbage enjoyed the massages
but he loved his family a little more
so he found them safe passages
he hurried them all in
and cover the entrance with a rubbish bin

"oh crap! my cabbage seeds!"
said mr cabbage in terror
"now we'll have to eat lousy duck weeds!"
mrs cabbage heard and was struck with horror
"oh dear how will we survive?"
then the children all started to cry

mr cabbage knew what to do
so he turned to his wife
"i know how to save you"
then grabbing his knife
he moved the rubbish can
and went out with a bang

outside, mr cabbage fought
using all the cabbage skills his master had taught
he has cabbage nunchucks (i dont know how to spell it)
and a vacuum cleaner with powerful sucks
he hurled cabbage at mr evil
it hurt so bad mr evil had mucus dribble

so the evil villain was finally dead
all thanks to mr cabbage and his cabbage bed
so he called his family out
they started celebrating, shouting out loud
then they looked around
no more cabbage, they all frowned

life without cabbage was too much to handle
so mr cabbage took off his sandle
with a powerful swing,
he gave it a really hard fling
it hit his wife and his kids
blew their brains to little bits
"no more cabbage oh what should i do?"
so his own brains he too blew.

MORAL
the moral of the story is: dont eat so much cabbage. cos when you run out of it, all you'll be is dead baggage. i am not sadistic, just very realistic.

cancer

2005-07-24T05:44:00.000-07:00

the world is against you
and you're terribly drained
cant fight no longer
yet the hurt you hold in restraint
cant show emotions
cant show that you care
because when you do,
they'll know it's true
that you've never been there

people walk past
seems now they're all too fast
you cant catch up
or maybe you wont
because you know you'll get shunned
turned down by the ones you love
they all hate you
yet your love for them so true
but how, when youve never been there

you dont care how they see
all you want is for hope to be
but now all is gone
you dont know where to look
maybe youre just badly drawn
but still judgement he spoke
you deserve your fate
now you drown in a pool of hate
regret? you should have been there

isnt it painful?
you watch her leave
arent you regretful?
the love you cant retrieve
want the past back?
so you could change it all
bound to the train track
now you have to take the fall
around this time last year
i'm not sure if you remember
the woman you once called dear
now to her you are cancer

like what in the world

2005-07-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

haha. this one is written for the 2 most spastic people ever to walk the face of this earth. i just realised it on friday. i mean normal people don't bring their fake ' semi automatic automatic AK-47/2' around and start hiding behind pillars and shooting people. so thanks for giving me a free show of "dumb and dumber" without paying $7.50. cos it was darn fun! this one's for ivan and afnan. they come scarily close to the spasticity of kevin lai the great.

LIKE WHAT IN THE WORLD?!

who knew a friday would turn so spastic
walking around school acting all terrorist
lucky it was fake or it would be drastic
cos its all headshots on your frag list

we killed gb kids
blew the little kids to little bits
threatened the red cross
guns work better when you cant use force

saw the fella trying to catch the hose
laughed so hard it hurt my nose
if only we could have blasted him
man it wouldve been the ultimate dream

but all that violent tendencies
nothing compare to the sheer spasticities
they laugh and do the finger thing
seriously, pretty embarrassing

but it was a darn fun day
that i have to say
4 questions in 4 hours
thats a crappy total.

so thank you for that afternoon
maybe we can relive it someday soon
afnan, until then i want my gun back
lets hope you didnt get arrested
blowing people up at the mrt track

hey ivan, the bubbles gonna break
cos im here and it im gonna stake!
yes kinda like buffy does a vampire
cos my flame thrower shoots out fire!
those soap bubbles better run for cover.

i just really wanna slap myself on the head.
maybe i'll laugh till i am dead.
cos i have never seen anyone duck behind a dustbin
den pretend to shoot someones brains in.
it makes me really wanna say
"like what in the world?!"

drop dead gorgeous

2005-07-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

i didnt write this cos im horny. thank you. jus wanted to clear that up. this site is PG!

DROP DEAD GORGEOUS

the man model material
sight of him so surreal
i cant keep myself off him
hey he's drop dead gorgeous

when he walks by
my heart just goes off to fly
so sexy! i think to me
that all the other girls too see

hey boy youre drop dead gorgeous
guess i'll trip and fall into your arms
hey honey you look so fabulous
so hot you set off smoke alarms.

look there, he's walking in
suddenly all is a momentary dream
so hot you wanna take a swim
cool off in the pool with him

eyes like the sun
tasty like a bun
hes so good looking
yea dude i'll be trippin'

hey boy youre drop dead gorgeous
guess i'll trip and fall into your arms
hey honey you look so fabulous
so hot you set off smoke alarms

bulletwound heart

2005-07-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

do you see this here?
spectacle in front of your eyes
gore, blood, mostly pain
it's my bulletwound heart again

my bulletwound heart
it's tearing me apart
can we go back to the start?
take apart my bulletwound heart

how it was before
i want it that and nothing more
now it causes so much strain
that's my bulletwound heart again

my bulletwound heart
order me pills on ala carte
drugs to send me off the chart
to numb this bulletwound heart

"shot to the heart and youre to blame
darling you give love a bad name"
jon bon jovi's rightful claim
bulletwound heart never the same

my bulletwound heart torn
thanks again now im forlorn
this one's out of spite
to hurt me, you never had the right.

there she goes

2005-07-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

alrite. this one is written by a friend who wants to be known as matto. good stuff with awesome figurative phrases. good job dude!

THERE SHE GOES

Look how my mouth seems to move
Saying that these days will come back again
I'm lost inside my own heart.
I have wounded thoughts i can't escape.
Living as a joke,
A silhouette of bitterness and smoke.
Days go by.
Locked inside the prison I have made in my mind.
Far from the pain that I could not control
I hope your listening to me
I'd like to show you my scars.

i need a fix

2005-07-17T07:26:00.000-07:00

confused now i need a fix
find me tools to mend my heart
cos now i am broken
needing to heal
cos now i am forgotten
wanting to forget too
i need a hand
one upon my soul
touch me deep
cover the open hole
drop me wishes of good word
do me deeds of good work
cos now i am hurt
wounds time might heal
cos now i dont know
how the hell i'm supposed to feel
dream a dream to take me away
miles from you
then my pain to alay
it burned to see you leave
i need to numb my senses
cos this pain is overbearing
i need a new release
this love has gone too drastic
now i'm just a statistic

how i was is how i'll be

2005-07-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

how i was is how i'll be
you find me here
but please leave me
i'm happy with who i am
i'm never gonna change
i don't need to be more glam
so don't try to work it in
i don't want a new life
i don't need a new release
i will go and pay the price
cos this is how i want to be

how i was is how i'll be
yes i know you don't agree
what you want i don't have
so hitch on out
cos i don't need your stinky ass
don't try to make me pretty
don't try to make me skinny
cos that chick's around the corner
honey, she's not me.

posters on the wall

2005-07-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

i love the smashing pumpkins. so now that theyre not around. this poem goes out to them. rock on! get back together!! ps: i dont have any pumpkins posters. but i wont mind receiving some as presents!

POSTERS ON THE WALL

our band's legacy
painted out from memory
times i now recall
from the posters on the wall

hitch a ride out of reality
suddenly the mind is carefree
filling it the music we made
against it all else will fade
for now the feeling is lost
missing the message to be brought across
still the optimism to get better
as from the posters the memories i gather

all these years time has passed
yet not one moment gone too fast
all encased in picture frames
none of those sent up in flames
love, drugs and booze all gone
so my soul within withdrawn
desperately wanting , hoping for more
terribly draining, is no one taking score?

our history as of a soldier
lost, lonely and forgotten
contributions stale with odour
medals of honour all turned rotten
of power and weapons to disarm
this of all causes the most harm
all that we held dear is left behind
posters on the wall help me un-blind.

because we were the best
others looked to us for inspiration
yet then we couldn't care less
greed only challenged by desperation
selfishness screaming out loud
compromise an order far too tall
now a band great and proud
reduced all but to some posters on the wall

our band's legacy
painted out from memory
times i now recall
from the posters on the wall.

along these racial lines

2005-07-16T02:32:00.000-07:00

along these racial lines
where we bury our brothers
the borders of ignorance
where we lay ourselves to die
where's the peace?
we're all god's people
where's the hope?
save it, it's growing feeble
why are we hating?
sending our people to die
wars and more fighting
someone please tell me why

so you wear a white hood
put it over your head
you think it's real cool
well someday you might just end up dead
don't act like a fool
youre much too old for this
get on the road
the kool klux clan's just a load of rotten piss
hitch a ride outta this life
while you still have the chance
throw out that bloody knife
make your life a world enhanced

cos' along these racial lines
is where your body's gonna lie
this is how you will get shot
and eventually die
war was not what our parents taught
quit the clan
join the church
it's a plan
god won't leave you in the lurch

bought a gun and shot a kid
didn't like the colour on her face
that's no excuse
it's confused
it's a shame you exist
that's your name on the black list
it's your face in the paper
a 5 year old dead
you saw colour
and decided you didn't like her
with a shot to the head
she's never coming back
everything's crashed off-track
with that been said
now there her body is laid
along these racial lines
an unfair price she paid
stand up speak up
make a difference to the world

we bury our brothers along these racial lines
our sisters suffer loss of many different kinds
our children are dying
our parents growing weak
still everyone is fighting
going on a killing streak
please god save the world from this tragedy
take off our masks, get rid of hypocrisy.

reconstructed love

2005-07-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday was 15th july 2005. and man was it one good day. it was really emotional i must say. despite the tinge of mixed emotions. theres a lot of happiness involved. so thank you, all of you who i met yesterday. cos you just made life even more worth living.

so when im happy. i write. actually i write all the time. so this is the long-awaited (i hope) poem.

RECONSTRUCTED LOVE

come out to the playground
come out to play
we'll leave without sound
together runaway

enjoy this reconstructed love
a summertime romance
take me into this blurry trance
our reconstructed love

shredded paper past
moments gone so fast
bring me up to cosmic view
looking down here such a thrill
chase galatic dreams
we'll run away
shot off to space in fire beams
we'll find our love on the milkyway

up in the sky we share a star
all can see from planets far
stopping by lovers' lane
comets shattered gone the pain
we'll travel the universe
explore the solar system
new heights, our love to traverse
stars combust in lovely tantrum

this love reconstructed
tainted clean the cosmic debris
yes, all this is fated
out there exist you and me
our spaceship left behind
searching now we hope to find
tools to make this perfect
hopes and dreams bound to collect

a love that breaks boundaries
not found across earth's 7 seas
only up there out in space
the perfect time, perfect place

so come out to the playground
come out to play
we'll leave without sound
together runaway

enjoy this reconstructed love
a summertime romance
take me into this blurry trance
our reconstructed love.

my journey with god

2005-06-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

i dont know why. but i feel obligated to do this. it's always been very difficult for me during sharings sessions in ED and confi class because i never really felt comfortable opening myself up. but today i'm doing it, why i don't know. but i've been struggling with my faith for a few months now. and i guess by doing this, i'm reaffirming my own faith, and hoping also to help those like me.

i'm a cradle catholic, born into a fully catholic family, with roots going back to generations before. i've been in holy cross all my life. my dad's a warden there. he's been the foundation of faith in my family. i overheard him talking to his friends one day and he said he is trying his best to nurture his children into good catholics. and he did just that. my mom was not born catholic but she converted when she married my dad. both of them led by example, being great catholic parents, sending myself and my three older brothers to cat class, mass and for my brothers, to catholic schools.

when i was young, church was boring and it was a chore goign to church. i even compared myself to my cousins, asking why i had to wake up early sunday morning to go to church while they could sleep in. cat class was boring too, i never enjoyed it much and often skipped class.

it all changed when my dad told me the story of how god spoke to him once. he wanted to retire and went to church on a friday to pray for an answer. on sunday, the gospel had these words from god :" do not worry, god will provide". his fears of the family not being able to survive without any financial backing were to be taken care of by god. the next day, he tendered his resignation. this story struck me hard. people always told me that god was there, but i never experienced him, so i never actually believed. after this, i did with all my heart.

i was about 12 then. since then my faith has been steadfast and i always fell back on him whenever i needed help. and he never failed me. till this day he has given me everything i prayed to him for. not a single time has he failed me.

about a year ago, about 3 weeks after confi camp. it fell apart. some people very very close to me said something which hurt me so bad. and at that moment i realised that god really is the only one who understands. i thought these people understood, yet they didnt. only god does. that morning i went for YA and i cried my heart out. i was confused. that was the last time i went for any VC activity.

i spoke to fel, jiamin and a couple of my friends from church about the incident. they helped me find ways to tell those people what actually was going on. i went back for ED for about a month. then it was gone again. till today i havent attended any VC activities.

it isnt easy. in fact it hurts me more than anything. but im afraid to go back. because of that incident and because im afraid i might fail reaching out to him again. so i spoke to jiamin recently and she agreed to help me through it, by attending YA with me. but still im afraid. im hoping to go on from that one YA session to going back to ED and being with god again. cos i have never felt his presence any stronger than in church.

i'm not trying to clear my name or whatever, i've long stopped bothering what people think about me. i know for myself why i'm attending church. and i hope to recover from this setback.

i want everyone to know that once you have him in you, dont neglect him. cos although he's still there, if you pray to him, it will be easier for him to reach out to you. and your life will be so much more fulfilling. each time you pray, do so with all your heart, for after those tears fall, it will be replaced inside by the holy spirit, and it will nourish you.

im searching for that lost feeling in me. if you have him, keep him in. if you dont yet, find him.

im dissing you lady!!!

2005-06-19T05:01:00.000-07:00

alright. i read the newspapers today. and boy did i get some enlightenment. so i'm gonna address one issue which i read about which honestly, i think is a load of gibberish and shouldn't even be on the news. i mean i'm sure there are better things to write and tell the nation about. like let's say.. zoe tay's dog gave birth or whatever.

and yes since you guys complain that i don't paragraph enough, i will start to. cos this ain't a poem, but you should read it. cos i'm seriously puzzled. i wonder how people can be so hyped on something as pornographic as a naked girl. that, to me, is downright chauvanistic and very very disgusting.

so the story started with a chick who put a naked photo of herself up on her blog cos she claims that she likes to keep pretty photos of herself. lady, get a life. oh and while you're at that, get some self-respect too. yes i'm dissing her, but only because i think it's outrageous that she's selling her body. plus it's for free on the net. like come on! go beg hugh hefner to let you be on playboy on something. at least people pay to see your stuff.

oh and this girl, she writes about her sexual escapades too. who she did and where she did it. like please lady, no one wants to know what dirty jobs you've been doing. a self-proclaimed sarong party girl, she only dates caucasian men. to that i only laugh. that's like a chinese guy throwing away his dim sum to eat fish and chips for the rest of his miserable life. what kind of analogy is that? a ridiculous one. just like her decision to be judgemental and rule out all chinese men. i'm not even chinese and i don't have a problem with them. please lady, don't make yourself any more unpopular than you already are.

yes, i love dissing her. why? cos people like her deserved to be dissed by people like me. you might have the brains, but where's your morality? since you love getting rooms so much, get the privacy too. don't tell your story to the rest of the world. cos i feel real sorry for you.

to the one i love

2005-06-15T04:03:00.000-07:00

my same friend who choses to remain anoynomous again, wrote this poem. he's getting good. so check him out here if you want to read more of his stuff. any of you who want your stuff (poems, essays, speeches) read, just drop me a message or a mail and i'll put it up here. just no cheesy what-i-did-today entries. yep. not many people come to my blog to read, but the people who come here know that they're coming here to read poetry. so yeah. anyway this ones called "to the one i love"

TO THE ONE I LOVE

you arent just another one
this my heart can say
since i went my way
attracted to you till this day

from those very lips
words flow out endlessly
like a sword to my soul
a needle in my marrow

i'll let this slip
though my tears will ache
fill your hearts longing
while mine shall be rotting

its a far away dream
like a hand to the moon
how you seem so close
as beautiful in bloom a rose

greener on the side
i'd hold on to that
for its the same thought
to you i was brought

to the one i love
i'll miss you everyday
even as you slowly fade away
in my heart youre always welcome to stay

still the artist i am

2005-06-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine who chooses to remain anoynomous wrote this. read it. it's good stuff.

STILL THE ARTIST I AM

how u sit all day
staring at blank walls
what's that? clay?
no. just a bunch of useless balls

you speak to yourself
wad's the picture
you aint got a clue
but there's a fixture

now they say love's like that
who'd u'll meet is a mystery
but for the fact i know
you mean so much to me

when the arrow strikes
your eyes grow little spikes
oblivious to everyone, everything
attention's on that swing

a hunger there is
full will never come
you know she's his
its a les amis

it was just a masquerade
like any other fashion parade
she used you, cheated
like a piece of shit, you little migit

stop dreaming now
she's faded beyond the horizon
the clouds are blocking
on her heart there'll be no more knocking

life still goes on
everything seems so bleak
its different now
all cold, no heat

so release me from this threshold
from this constant struggle
i still have a name
i am the artist i am

sarah: man i gotta ask you. wads a migit?

over you - version 2.0

2005-05-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

i love this one cos it really made me happy. just how girls can take charge sometimes and get over lousy ex-boyfriends.

OVER YOU - VERSION 2.0

i changed my number yesterday
knowing that it couldnt work any other way
pictures of us sent up in flames
taking with them your empty love claims
all the jewellery you gave me
i pawned it all for more money
because obviously, all i was was a bet
a proof that me you could get
so now i wish we had never met
i think it's really shallow
your selfish actions sent my heart to the gallow
as difficult as it is
i have to accept the truth as this
i'm leaving you before you can me
im so glad now i finally see
all you were was a waste of my time
living you wuold to myself be a crime
baby, you wont see me crying
you'll never see me frown
all the love i have for you is dying
in my sorrows no longer i drown
what i really dont understand
was how i could ever be so blind
the very day you first held my hand
and the cloud that blurred the vision of my mind
without you i can think i can rhyme
so this one's for you, YOU BIG BALL OF SLIME
trust me darling, i fortell the future
soon your chauvanistic nature
will be met with despise and a greater demise
and believe me, her majesty me well be around to see.

over you

2005-05-23T04:11:00.000-07:00

i wanna get over you
since what we had was never true
you left me high and alone
left me dry my temper blown
5 months since that day
i know you well, you always have your way
im not a toy
not some girl acting all coy
i never wanted you back
the course of my life you threw off track
now that you're back please cut me some slack
we both know i still love you
you'll always be part of my crew
but you cut me too deep
left a burn, now i cant sleep
i was fine till you appeared
put in my heart everything i feared
from your clutches i was freed
now that youre back again i bleed
i must get over you
just how i dont have a clue

"doo doo doo"

2005-05-23T03:31:00.000-07:00

he feels low
yet he doesnt wanna show
when it gets out of control
he just lets it flow

she is in need
missing piece to complate
emotions catch on speed
so she hums it so sweet

"doo doo doo
dont behave like a fool
doo doo doo
dont ever lose your cool
remove that rock from your road
from your shoulders that heavy load"

losing the feel
despearately needing to heal
still everything put to conceal
in my mind a popular appeal

"doo doo doo
dont behave like a fool
doo doo doo
dont ever lose your cool
remove that stone from your shoe
from now on lead a life you deem true"

step off the ledge
in your diary of life write the last page
forget your sinful ways
but then the song plays

"doo doo doo
dont behave like a fool
doo doo doo
dont ever lose your cool
hurting yourself is never right
wake up please see the light"

you need to stop
your life's not that much of a flop
dont throw away a future so bright
not ever, especially not tonight

"doo doo doo
dont behave like a fool
doo doo doo
dont ever lose your cool
let this song guide you home
there, you're never alone"

it helps her
clears his mind from a complete blur
it will do the same for you'
just sing along, "doo doo doo"

stars on strings

2005-05-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

this one has sentimental value for me cos its like one of those titles that i had in my head for really long but never really bothered to venture into. it kinda started the whole poetry lyrics thing for me. oh and this was written with an intention for it to turn into a song. so if anyone wants to lend a hand in figuring out chords... im really attached to this one. more than the rest so i really hope you enjoy it.

STARS ON STRINGS

hung up like ornaments in the sky
true inspiration for you and i
that night sitting with you on the roof
to me, that was good enough proof
i'm so hung up on you
but you're oblivious with absolutely no clue

hung up like ornaments in the sky
the stars shine bright for you and i
no one reads me like you do
nobody understands me as much as you
but you look only to her
and my feelings i push aside for later

it's so hard to cope
i think i'm gonna choke
you're blind to me, fail to see
our night under the deep blue sky
meant nothing to you
so please tell me why
my love for you is so true
but all i am to you is stars on strings

hung up like ornaments in the sky
a deep longing for you and i
love is patient, love is kind
love is passion, sure and sublime
it is humble, never ever boasts
you're the one i love the most

hung up like ornaments in the sky
this connection between you and i
finding memories you dig into your mind
but those with me you have left behind
my heart's melancholic cries
dry my tears as they fill my eyes

it's so hard to cope
i think i'm gonna choke
you're blind to me, fail to see
our night under the deep blue sky
meant nothing to you
so please tell me why
my love for you ever so true
but all i am to you is stars on strings

stars hung like ornaments in the sky
you're breaking my heart,
making me cry
can we go back to the start?
i don't wanna live this lie
they say stars reflect our lives
but the stars we see so perfect
as for us we only lack
those in the night are willing
ours are simply plastic ones hung from the ceiling

please let me go, cut the string.

haha

2005-05-23T02:58:00.000-07:00

i just went up to a caucasian guy and asked him if i could take a photo of his hair. haha he said no. obviously. he has a wuss shake. so not my kind...

a joint effort

2005-05-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

ok i wrote this one with mark. we did alternate lines. my first collaboration. haha feels like im gonna cut an album and i'm working with pharrell. hmm now that's a thought. alritey. thanks mark!! oh i ripped it from your blog. haha

A JOINT EFFORT

my queen of hearts i've lost
now i wonder at what cost
to the jack of spades it was
taken from me by force
will the queen of diamonds do?
no, the feeling wont be true
but part of my hearts her's
with this the pain only made worse
now for my own foolishness i curse
her beauty captivating
yes, its mind blowing
the longing in me only growing
the river of love ever flowing
i walk in it serves a cleansing
to stain the water clean i'm willing
but all this wont bring back the feeling
the love the passion the pain
all reduced to a tiny little grain
as insignificant as an ant on a vast grass plain
so hard to bear i'd rather be slain
to the depths of hell i'll then be thrown
my limbs burn off as in pain i groan
to the devil my soul is on loan
only the queen of hearts can redeem me
only then in heaven i'll be
for now i gaze lovingly at her majesty
but all i am is just so ghastly
shes too great too prefect a lady
so i better flee hastily
before again her presence beholds me
and to the tree of love binds the lover in me
from her i shall never be set free
but true love i already see
it's a shame that person wont be me
her heart belonged to another one called "he"
my darling queen i'll send her off
but my hearts already soft
i need to leave or i'll breakdown and cry
to the great heavens i'll then fly
vying for her love at least i did try
but she thinks my feelings a lie
i really don't understand why
she thinks i'm not her guy
to her demands i have limited supply
but to her every wish i am tied
in each a failure i did nothing but cried
but i'm not afraid, i won't hide
because her remarks no matter how snide
changes not my love my ego my might
down the street i still walk in pride
people thinking my skin animal hide
so the story ends this way. forever lonely i shall stay
but till she says no, my heart belongs to her every single day...

forever is an AWEfully long time

2005-05-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

you say you'll love me forever
take care of me whenever
search and protect me wherever
break my heart and leave me crying you'll never

he says our friendship will stand the test of time
sometimes i wonder if doubting that is a crime
we might be best friends today
but when tomorrow comes, who's to say?

they say family will support me through it all
the love and warmth to pick me up when i fall
siblings, parents and relatives who will never turn on me
i dont know, i guess i'll wait and see

often we are comforted
that this connection which has already started
it will remain there for eternal ages
adding to the diary of life new pages

for my thoughts she gives me a dime
i tell her "forever is an awfully long time"
then she starts to explain
clearing up the doubts which i claim

certain things do last
such things dont care about your past
the future is all that matters
till the day you die sends you love letters

forever is a long period
it doesnt even take that long to build a myriad
but he word holds a quiet promise
and takes your heart off the waiting list

to this dedication i stand in awe
to the sheer devotion i hesitate to call
forever might last long
but till you leave this world,
someone will be there to sing you a song

crush!

2005-05-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

he sets my heart ablaze!
at the wondrous revelation i constantly gaze
my eyes always fixated on him
upon sight, immediately i beam

mom and dad dont support me
if only they could find it and see
their daughter's falling in love
with an angel sent from above

my friends say hes not good enough
to that i do nothing but laugh
they dont understand
the feeling running through me when he holds my hand

everytime he walks past
i wish that moment would forever last
his eyes staring into mine
i know hes definitely one of a kind

after school he walks me to my house
walking beside me, he quickens my pulse
at the door he kisses me goodbye
leaving my spirits at an ultimate high

he whispers to me a song
and for him my heart would sincerely long
he carresses my hair
speaking to me words so fair

oh my gosh! this is one crush
i dont think i can ever flush
he really turns me on
of his love and attention i am so fond

i was a teenaged porn star

2005-05-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

this one is dedicated to miah. cos he waited so long for me to post it up. so its for you. haha. it's mild cos i cant really write wad actually goes on here. too explicit. ahaha

I WAS A TEENAGED PORNSTAR

when i walk down the street
people point but dont greet
"hey thats the girl"
who would've known i send their lives into a whirl

it was just a job
i did it cos i didnt wanna be a slob
plus i was 15 and people were so mean
even now they wont wipe my slate clean

they dont know the complications
that tag along with such occupations
they were prejudiced and judged against me
it hurt so bad, i lost all sense of dignity

i see myself when i walk into a video store
at the magazine stands theres even more
it all happened so long ago
since then their disgust did nothing but grow

at job interviews managers ask
"what have you fulfilled? what important task?"
i dont have anything accounted to my name
apart from all the unwanted fame

what awaits me in the future?
will laughs and mocks become second nature?
i was a teenage pornstar
at that time i didnt realise, my life i'd thrown afar.

music to me

2005-05-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

i havent been blogging recently nowadays.
forgive me for my nonchalant ways
i've been preoccupied mostly
by the music that keeps me so happy

im thrilled to realise
that despite radio's musical demise
music's got a bright future
underground music's soon gonna be second nature

new bands discovered
chasing away the dark clouds that hovered
more indie more rock
releasing us all from pop's painful lock

oh liberate us from all the hip hop
i pray please let it all stop
this my hurtful (rather) plea
why cant all of you see?

more indie more rock
will release us from this painful lock
i treat my music seriously
you should or risk dying to the sounds of chingy.

eeww!

a tribute to the orphans

2005-05-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

perhaps the best 6 days of my life
i saw devastation lives met with strife
the hearts of the people never failing still
no hatred. none aiming for the kill
they lit up my day everyday
set my heart ablaze in every single way
such innocence and unjudgemental views
things of which we only wish
not receiving even praying upon the cathedral's pews
love shone through in every dish
every smile brought a new meaning
now i wonder why all the complaining
these people dont have half of what i possess
yet for money and material they care less
content with the basic necessities
we are shrouded by life's controversies
all they long for is for our love
affection they never before experienced
now i finally understand the gift of sharing given from above
i wonder at the sheer childlike brilliance
these orphans showed me the proper way to living
their friendliness touched us all
their extreme need was only for us
now i wonder how time and time again we fall
upon the slightest error we fuss
those like chanthy and chamreaou have nothing
only to the hope of new family they cling
for the memory of the old one only gets more bleak
as days past grow even more weak
how i wish i could make their days better
but all i can do is to send a letter

when i die

2005-04-10T03:56:00.000-07:00

up in the sky so far
he's my bright shining star
my guide in times of lost
as to destruction i accost
i find the hope i seek
a tinge, even if it all seems bleak
enough to keep me going
in pursuit of that one glowing
a thunderous roar in the sky
and to my lifeline i wave goodbye
then i wake
and in this sacrament i partake
a different light i see
relaxed may my soul be
as i am inducted
amongst the faithfully departed
just a while ago
the star i wished on so
wasnt enough to keep me alive
into the shadows i dive
my spirit taken on a flight
released from this treacherous plight
the love for which i lorn
is now forever gone
yet i suffer not
emotions erased like a robot
my little thorn so trivial
i fell to something ever so menial
the world i left behind
severing the ties that bind
i think they call this one death.

fishing!

2005-04-10T03:51:00.000-07:00

this one is pretty dumb...

a harpoon to the heart
travelling like a quick dart
almost as deadly as a smelly fart
sharks like that they dont sell at walmart
the money i shall use to buy a go kart
i just hope i dont turn out like bart
or my limbs five metres apart
forget it i'll just buy an apple tart
donate the rest for a start
then my fishing knowledge i will impart
to any seeking to satisfy the heart.

love

2005-04-10T03:45:00.000-07:00

the one standing there
so beautiful nothing can compare
this time they share
high school sweethearts jim and clare
two lovers an inseparable pair
dreaming of a life so fair
together in their secret lair
pain which alone he cannot bear
with her he longs to share
for she in return really does care
other lives apart they tear
my heart on my sleeve i wear
my wounds it will repair
matters of the heart's affair
love is abundant as air
to this feeling my five senses impair
you just have to swear
that forever you'll dare
to love as if your heir
a love like theirs isnt rare
be aware
just look you'll find it over there.

pain

2005-04-10T03:43:00.000-07:00

before me a plate of veal
my last sumptous meal
as before you i kneel
my fate you seal
it all seems so surreal
the walls i face coated in teal
the intensity of the emotions i feel
to him i make my last appeal
for my heart to him reveal
so that he can help me deal
with the pain so long i had to conceal
hurting me like the skin i peel
please please make me heal
for it goes on like a never-ending wheel

what if..

2005-04-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

to a certain extent i do regret
i feel it's my own fault
the opportunity was right there
i didnt take it
now all thats left is nothing
its all but a distant memory of what was
everyday i look to the same place
hoping for magic
for it to reappear
or for it to disappear
cos i know i let it slip
it didnt go
i let it slip
i looked at it and it looked back at me
both of us trying to hide the obvious glances
i regret not showing it how i really am
i regret not justifying the feeling
it's empty and unexplainable
yet its strong and lasting
forever i'll live in the shadow of 'if''
what if i took it? what if?

the wrath of school

2005-04-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

you know the feeling
of another boring morning
heavily it is raining
all you wanna do is go on sleeping

thw dew smells great
but you are resigned to the fate
of having school on this date
so reluctantly i drag myself across the gate

she seems to talk a lot
her voice sounding like a robot
she talks as she writes to the last dot
she doesnt want me to sleep but how can i not?

"man look at those eyebags!"
i say as my own face sags
i hate weekday mornings, theyre such drags
plus i gotta wake uo and see those damn fags

so i'm sitting in the classroom
while outside the sky goes "boom!"
around me again does darkness loom
i just wanna go hime, away from this gloom.

the sorrow of a world

2005-04-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

the sorrow of a world
united in prayer
asking for repose
for a soul who cared

his smile lit up our day
love that shone through in every way
his blessings so powerful
healing the sick, comforting the despaired.

now, over there he lies
eyes shut, never to open again.
his days in purgatory will soon end
then he will be placed at god's hand

the lives he touched
we will never forget
the noble on we lost
a leader so great

never will his memory grow faint
he leaves a legend
behind him a legacy
a string of miracles, memorable ones

as he joins those before him
we are assured he is taken care of
this, in loving memory of our holy father
who showed us all the way to our creator.

laguna maniaaa!

2005-04-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

just watched the season finale of laguna beach. ouchh. man it was so sad when trey left. and when stephen was talking to kristin he was crying! oh man can't wait for season 2. hopefully stephen trey and the rest will come back often. but hey there's still kristin and talan. man you guys should really start watching laguna beach. it's better than OC in my opinion. and it's far more addictive than anything on the teevee. damn 11 episodes ago i didnt know wad it was to want more teevee. now i want more!!

one for the cynical

2005-04-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

i dont believe in love
the world is full of hate
aimless anger served on a plate

so what if i die alone?
it wont be much of a chore
however exciting, still love's a bore

it's difficult being the minority
i think people call those like me
a pessimist of sorts, so i shall be

compassion's for the saints
it really isnt in my nature
i'd rather be on an african adventure

love's really just not my thing
if i find someone it'll just be a fling
or maybe a chance to get some bling

a feeling like this doesnt happen to everyone
apparently cupid doesnt choose just anyone
"no man's an island." whatever.

i can do it by myself
i dont need someone next to me
alone and hated i am so happy

sorry i took you for granted

2005-04-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

often we dont give enough credit
to the places which actually deserves it
we are blocked by what we see
influences. so god help me!
blinded by the tangible
the ones which we regard
we oversee how its breakable
and of how its all just a facade
we look over the one just standing
there in front of us yearning
for the love we aim at the other
so again and again we blunder
sometimes its just right there
"its so hard to see" you swear
stop making the unnecessary
those that wont be recognised
oddly and on the contrary
the one of whom you never fantasised
is the one who knows
the one who shows
the love which grows
as each moment passes on
the heart grows fond
he's right there cant you see?
if not for eternal ages
lonely you shall be

wow that took me like 3 minutes. man i love poetry!!

it'll inspire someone as this has inspired me

2005-03-31T23:54:00.000-08:00

i wrote a poem about death the other day. after i wrote it i read it. maybe at that point in time that was how i perceived death. seriously, it was kinda scary. maybe i'll post it sometime. actually i've got lots of ideas for some. from songs, things people say, thoughts and visions. songs that i think have powerful lyrics. i actually posted some of them last time. but i think there's one especially which really illustrates lost and sadness in your life. and tying in with the poem about death this song finds its space amongst the crowded thoughts. it's a song called fade to black by metallica..

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Can't stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

someday i wanna write stuff like this. however depressing, it'll inspire someone as this has inspired me.

holy week

2005-03-28T01:20:00.000-08:00

i havent done anything special all lent. so then came maundy thursday. dorcas joanne and yuliang stayed over at my place. we planned to re-watch the lord of the rings trilogy in extended versions!! yea!! ok so as a catholic family tradition there's always the church visitation on maundy thurday night. they followed along on the visitation, so i took it upon myself, like a vocation you know.. ahahhaa. to like talk them through and explain to them what was going on. haha of course with dorcas there was the constant "where are the altar boys?" question. so we went first to mary of the angels church. wow it is sooo nice!! plus the crucifix is like superrr cool!!! it was real dark and loomy so the three of them were quite creeped out. the figure of the crucified christ above the altar was indeed creepy for a first timer. along with the solemn atmosphere. next up, st joseph along cashew rd. it was big!! plus they had the actual stations. so that was cool. of course the 3 of them were comparing altar boys "why that one just now so attentive this one not?" yep.. third place was st ignatius. it was pretty empty compared to the previous 2 churches. went down to the main church. den they asked "where are all the altar boys?" hahaha. den we went up and found the altar boys. yep.. last place was holy cross. it's great showing them a place i kinda grew up with and have grown so attached to. so now they know how it looks like! yay!! hahaha. yea dorcas knows guan so she was like "where's guan?" hahaha. at least its a different question. den we went back for some hardcore LOTR!
it was awesome just sharing the visitation experience with them. i have a to admit. of all the traditions, this is probably one of my most favourite. and i could teach them about good friday and how we catholics do stuff. it was just a great feeling. just sharing the experience.

good friday mass was spent well.. standing. hahaha. so was easter sunday mass.. aahha 2 masses in a row!!!! oh my!!! ah leong and the rciy kids got baptised finally. wow!! WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!! yep.

sigh daddy said friggy's gonna leave to study in rome. he's been a really big part of my faith formation in church and i hate to see him go. but hey it's all for the best. we'll all miss him though.

sat went to eat sushi with shaomu darren and dorcas to celebrate darren's birthday. wah i was sooo full larr.. den went shopping. hahaha. yay i bought 2 rings 1 skirt and i pair of earrings. i went to borders but they had no calvin and hobbes. derek came back a few hours later and he said he saw 3 calvin and hobbes on bargain. aahh!!! pissed off! must go and get them!!

ok so nowadays i've found myself a new love. yep. no not a tall hunky one but more of a hobby. damn! haha yep. ok it may sound stupid or profound.. wahaha.. so some of you. but i really enjoy writing poems. you know how people like doodle on the tables when lesosns are boring. well, i write. poems. not necessarily something i am or can relate to. i write bout everything. grief, fun, doubt, love. its just amazing how you can express something so simple in such complex words. and something so complex in such a simple form. it works both ways. so now im planning to write poems for the people around me. to me poetry is like an outlet. somewhere i escape to. i dont rhyme well though. so i've been doing a lot of non-rhyming serious poems. maybe i'll post them next time. i've got like tonnes in my chem book and diary. anyway i've been pretty happy these few days. i felt so blessed on easter sunday. i really dont know why. hahaha maybe cos i was wearing comfy pyjamas! but really. and lately my hardest subject a math hasnt been giving me problems at all!! ahhahaa. so i definitely have a lot to give thanks for.

today in school i wrote poems again!!! hahaha. i went mad with them lar. so now i owe jeraldine and sherri poems too. ahahha. and aiyun and i are gonna write one together. neat!! sat between nat and zr during a math. hahahaha and i could actually keep up with them. so that was good. after school was hanging around in the classroom den saw szeliang walking in acjc. so sherri was with me and she was like. "the girl next to him!! the super pro ij shooter. sooo CHIO!!" hhahaha. she's mad! so i called him. so paiseh larr. wahhh. nevermind at least sherri saw her chiobu. hahaha.

so worried for next year's committee. at the rate they're going. i really dont see how it all can work out. sigh.

poem

2005-03-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

so i walk
down this road its so weird
kinda different
confused in a strange place
or maybe just a feeling

i see the light
so is that good or is that not?
it could mean this or it could mean that
either way it has to be good
after all now i can see you there

you get it all funny
when you feel like composing
what it doesnt really matter
not at that time
not till you read it an hour later

so you just go on and on and on
its like a force taking over you
a lyrical possession
permeation of a creature
one of great dictation and articulation

its kinda distracting though
ive got someone speaking at the back of my mind.
2 voices. one self inflicted
the other a distant memory
if something, of someone, who writes

"i dig my toes into the sand"
he sings
" i wish you were here"
yea i wish i were there too
thanks man.

ok that just now was a distraction
he makes senseless analogies.
of which when you further ponder
actually do make sense
who cares he wishes im there. yea man!

yea you might have guessed by now
its just the other voice in my head.
the one who didnt contribute
but certainly builds up
wad can i say?
I LOVE MY INCUBUS!

toys r us, mtv

2005-03-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

haha went to toys r us with derek leon and jack to get sam his present. oh man that place sure got me all happy. its like disneyland. jus smaller scale of happiness. like an eternal childhood, where its never too late to be a kid again. so after walking 2 rounds finally got wad i wanted. it was a toss up between a big one, a pimpable one and a..well. i cant say cos i havent given it to him yet.

walking down saw russell! haha he was folding balloon animals for every donation a person made to the bone marrow for kids thing. yep. this super tall caucasian fella was telling me bout it. yea so i donated 2 bucks. he's kinda cute. hahah oopss!!

den went to potblack to shoot some pool. man i made a cut on the red 3 ball into the middle pocket. it was beautiful man!! and i almost beat derek. hahaha so thats a good thing. i kinda sunk the black ball when i was supposed to, just the wrong hole. yea i admit im still pretty crap. but hey im getting better! man a pool table at home would be such a good investment larr!! almost almost....

after that went home and waited for mtv to show laguna beach. its such good stuff man. its like reality teen flick. with like super good looking people. fyi, it's laguna beach - the real orange county. yep. for those people like me who actually follow laguna beach. lemme tell ya wad i think of it. i think lc's nice but stephen should so go with kristin. talan drives a mercs!!! hahaha stephen looks like andrew wendrew or whatever he calls himself nowadays.

on sunday there was a whole lot of stuff to watch man. went to church. saw fred and he was like super funny. he has this cut down his nose, so i asked him wad happened. he was holding this pocket mirror.. haha. and he said he didnt know how he got it. fel and i jus laughed man.. went to the basement saw the pple. samfoo brought her work to church..ahahaha. tim was eating HOKKEIN MEE!! hahaha..

went with the rodriguez clan to mcdonalds for breakfast. can you believe it? the rodriguez clan at macs eating? hahaha. man i love mcdonalds breakfast. had my hotcakes with sausage and orange juice. den went grocery shopping.

man should have gone for YA... i need the spiritual refreshment.

came home went to sleep

woke up watch formula one. alonso won!! yay! im quite the alonso fan i must say. glad that schumi wasnt on the podium.

after that did work

den back to the teevee. watched whatever thingss!! hahaha. i love whatever things man. maybe cos josh and arm look like brandon boyd. yea.. den there was malcolm in the middle, viva la bam and pimp my ride. man weekends mean good teevee!!!! to all those who dont have mtv.. go get it. the best shows are on it man!! theres..
1. pimp my ride
2. viva la bam
3. laguna beach
4. room raiders
5. whatever things
6. scammed

man.. i love my mtv! so now im here with my ipod sending vibrations to my ears. better than ezra to be exact.oh now its incubus. man i love incubus too.. wad can i say?

"please MTV, pimp mah ride!"

tomorrow

2005-03-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

stupid weiyoung. one day after browsing for phones den he already got his ngage.. lucky fella.. anyway i jus had indian food at little india. i really like little india.. theres like so much character. such a lively place. and man bangle shopping there is like WOAH!! hahaha. yay gonna play pool tml.. i've been wanting to play for soo long okaay. i'll thrash your acs butts!! hehe. ok after this im gonna do my homework.. or sleep. like duh. hehe. weiyoung still wanna watch heffalump. hahaha. heard from nat it's like only an hour..

nat and gang are going to go sports again.. ahaha good luck you guys. try not to fall off as much. them skating kinda reminds me of the CAM days. yes.. i'm so past those days. but its cool. my godbrother john skates there. never heard me mention him? cos i have never ever talked to him. some tattooed fella lar. haha nat went to starbucks and saw the cute malay fella.. man must check it out again. william's still better though.. right mindy? hahaha

haha talked to jazimin that day. he says he and lutfi can vibrate their eyeballs. hahaha. something like first you cross your eyes. den you use a little more force and they will vibrate. ahaaha. interesting.. den he added. "do already will get headache".. i almost bang my head against the wall lar!!

derek got a toys r us card.. hahahah. he's like totally obsessed with transformers.. just like the old days.. reminds me. i'm never going back to lego at taka cos the cashier fella probably thinks i'm like a stalker or something. i always go there and he's always there. i jus go to buy my lego though. nothing more. it was damn weird seeing him lar.. so weird that that day i got weiyoung to buy the stuff for me. ps: hes no william.. hahaha

hmmm evidently im feeling much better. maybe cos ive been sleepping more. oh i discovered something. taylor dent the tennis player looks like a cross between ken and eddy. ahahahha.. awessome!! oh and batista's gonna kick triple h's butt!! he was cleaning house man!!!

lastly.. thanks to wenfang denise mich and everyone who has been crowding my tagboard. hahaha.. its fun.. oh and aiyun youre sucha dumbass.. =)

haha happy birthday tml sam!! hope ya have fun at disney on ice.. hahaha.. remember i'm jus a phonecall away.. hahaha you'll need it bad.. buggaa!!

day out.

2005-03-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

hah went out with weiyoung and juvena today. met up with them at orchard mrt. haha. den went to cine where we had a big fuss on wad movie to watch. den the 2 of them started speaking to each other in chinese so i kinda jus like shut off. its chinese lar.. i cant help it. the next thing i know she's going shopping and weiyoung and i are watching a movie. so he insists on heffalump... hahaha. i insisted on hitch.. so we flipped a coin but that fella still not happy.. so we went to lido. in the end we watched lemony snicket's. sigh. hahaha. stupid fella kept pushing my chair backwards den my chair would keep rocking.. haha.. he's so cute.. anyway he has this total obsession over ciara's one two step.. ahahha and heffalump of course. den after that he accompanied me to shop for dorcas' present. yepp and i helped him out with his dream of buying his ngage. after all that we walked to plaza and went home. not before taking 2 pictures of freddie in his calvin kleins though!! it was nice going out with him larr.. havent really hung out at all.. but he's still as whiny and all that. yea and pretty cute with the mole!! hahaha yea weiyoung i think your mole's cute!! he's just a really fun guy to hang with.. he talks so much rubbish that there's not a moment of feeling awkward.. hehe. thanks for hanging with me weiyoung!!!

quiz i invented..

2005-03-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

name: sarah
best thing in your fridge now: jello, diet coke, cheese doritos
ugliest thing in your closet: school uniform
most embarrassing cd in the collection: meredith brooks
favourite 'the' band: the strokes
favourite place to fart: in front of my brother
ugliest food: brocolli soup
sexiest cartoon character: batman of the future's terry
most revolting cartoon character: striperella
favourite word: dumbass
favourite tissue paper brand: kleenex
in the toilet, sit or squat? : sit
clothes, hung or folded?: hung.. like duh sarah
strawberry or raspberry: i invented this but i dont know how to answer it
dumb and dumber or dude wheres my car?: man you cant compare 2 classics!
zit or bad hair?: bad hair
retro lines or retro circles?: retro circles
freddy or johnny?: freddy has a hat.. johnny has a hocky mask.. freddy.
pop out eyes or black ones?: pop out's cooler
fat toes or hairy toes?: hairy toes= hobbits... so hairy toes
huge butt or hairy butt?: damn..
big nostrils or hairy nostrils?: again...
dirt under nails or dirt in eye?: dirt in eye
obnoxious or notorious?: notorious
inproportionate body or hairy body?: hehe..
high nose or high forehead?: i remember this girl with a high forehead..man that was funny
outback jack or the bachelor?: OUTBACK JACK!!
snakes or ladders?: ladders.. duh
A or B?: A
jar of cookies or a jar of candy?: cookiesss!!

haha try and answer it will you?

this is dedicated to...

2005-03-05T01:10:00.000-08:00

its ironic. i was having like real intense prayer that night. i told god i was confused.

next morning in school i heard of someone. someone struggling to stay alive.
he fights and fights.

i give up.

i dont know him personally. but i really admire him, his family and his friends.

they strength and faith in god they have is simply tremendous.

god's answering my prayer.

yesterday i saw the sec 3 gb girls crying. i went over and told them "just take it as he's going home to god"

for those who know blenheim personally. we all pray for you and for him.

god works in wonderful miraculous ways.

just a few months ago a friend of mine lost his dad.

i lost my grandfather bout a year ago. it hurt me not because we were close. but because we werent. the last thing i remember about him was a smile he showed when he saw me at the hospital. at that point in time i realised how much i meant to him. a day later he was gone.

i read something like life on earth is temporary but life in heaven is eternal from a blog dedicated to blenheim's plight. it really is true.

dear maple. stay strong alrite girl. we're all here for you.

this really got me thinking.

god works in wonderful miraculous ways. let not our will but his will be done.

YA

2005-03-01T02:13:00.000-08:00

first time in YA in a really really long time. have to admit i did feel out of place initially. you know how they always say that church is the one place you feel at home. yea that's when you're in prayer. but you cant help but feel out when you have been out for a long time. jiamin val krystl and pp did help make it feel better. guan was acting gay in front of terence. haha that was amusing. and fred was getting bugged to join the servers. hehe. when YA started it was all GOD!

feelings not getting better in school too. im like being real honest here. and its hard. i dont think i can survive school without dorcas sam zr nat and the red cross pple. i'm not in any clique like practically everyone else in the school. if i do have a clique it'll probably be just me and dorcas. haha. sad but she's awesome so not so sad after all. yea i do know tonnes of pple. but so wad? im not really bothered by it though. i can self entertain.

so nothing seems to be really working out for me. but for everything that isnt there's something which is. i have a great family. all that i need is provided for me. a strong and steadfast faith. music to accompany me. my red cross sec ones to cheer me up (most of the time when theyre not annoying). the morons. nat sam dorcas zr.

in school sam jinshun and i were all stamped "looney" hehe. they're awesome.

man i seem so lost. but yet i have every direction and guide i need in life.

taken from rivermaya's if--

if i could choose to live my life
there'll be no ifs to say
and if i would choose to hold your hand
there'll be no words to say
without thought
without pride
leave the things that seem to weaken us
without fear
leave your lies
let the magic turn your life around

let the magic turn your life around. it has mine.

past 2 weeks

2005-02-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

havent updated for 2 weeks peeps.. yepp. last week i had 3 days mc. yep it was fun staying at home. den came back for RC camp. man are the sec ones a handful. but theyre super cute undoubtedly. haha. ian darren and darran are the hyperactive naughty ones. ronalds sooo cute. hahaha and a bit crazy cos he was sabotaging the other teams during spin and spit. hehe. eduardo and kenneth are like the horny ones. haha. oh my gosh johnson is soooooo cute!!!! i cant remember the chinese names lar. thats my problem, but now i know theres a yanling a yanru and huyang. yep. first day we had station games. some sec ones had something against my favourite game spin and spit. so yea they kinda pissed me off a little. brandon and yuliang did a really good job as group ics. the platoon ics were deaf. hehe. it was fun feeling supreme and blowing the whistle like madd!!! hmmm of cos we had campfire. it was kinda dead. but nirma and i went mad and started dancing. hehe. confidence walk.. man i reeallly got pissed off by some sec ones on that. but it was all fun cos i walked the trail with so many pple that it wasnt scary anymore. mr firhad tried to sabo jiayee and i to walk alone.. ahhaa TOO BAD!! that night i slept under the stars. beautiful. but before that i was talking to brandon and yunxing bout kevin.. hahahaha SO FUNNYY!!!! next day had recre 3. i guess it was the activity that got everyone dirty and thinking that red cross is the best cca ever!!! mr firhad got totally wet!! hahaha. but the teachers really helped us a lot during the camp.. so thanks!! FD com, you guys train so hard!!! keep it up we are supporting you guys all the way!!!!

went for ED last night after ash wednesday(friday) mass. it was great seeing all of em again... even jarrell. haha. i promised nat to go more often and i really will try!! thanks nat!! you're such a dearr!!! haah shes so cute... ED/RCIY raawwwkkss!!! today theyre having the rite of election...wow!!

sunday was indeed sunny

2005-01-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

dang the title doesnt make much sense. oh well. okaay today's monday. yay to that for theres that 70's show!! and desperate housewives and ooo las vegas! haha okay enough bout the string of beautiful people and beautiful shows on the telly tonight. yesterday was sunday. haha okay like duh. i know. ok that sounded bimbotic. ohhh! on saturday i went to st ignatius for mass. confi kids there had their covenant ritual. man! i miss confi class!! haha their choir consisted of 3 poeple!! 3!!! if the choirs in holy cross are in desperate need of people. imagine the satuday 6pm st ignatius choir. poor fellas! okaaay back to sunday. BOWLING went real badd!! i havent bowled as badly since hmmm.. well PRIMARY 5!! hahaha. but it was good in general. we had our laughs and embarrassing moments. lemme jus list them

1. dee walked around with my tape stuck to her butt without knowing it!! now thats wad i call entertaining!!
2. jessie sat on water right at her butt. hahhaha. ooo that was nasty but definitely funny.
3. ok this one is like a shhhh situation. cos no one saw. hahahaha. a little birdie sharted on poor me. hahaha. yea it was horrible!! but they say that when something like dat happens to you you get extra good luck!! hahhaa lets jus hope so larr.

sunday was a great day for meeting old friends and making new ones too. hmm. i saw meizhou!!! hahaha he was my informant one period in time. he still looks the same but this girl was like flanking him. *gossip* haha oops!! meizhou has a girlfren!!! hee hee!! ooo i met GRACE!!! hahaha the one with the brother named rex. haha damn does she look... the same.. hahaha. its so strange. i havent talked to any occ people in like 4 years or wad. and a few days ago ziwei stopped by. and i met grace. wow! hahaha. i got to know gordon and junhao from dee's class. this whole bunch of sec 2 boys along with eddy! haha eddy's so cute. and the calvin fellas one good bowler i must say. hmm.. oh and jessie's frens too. gotta know one of dee's friends andrew. and the irritating fella jingyang. haha ok i dont mean to be mean but he was talking nonsense during the tribute. like show some respect pleasse?

haha. sick so stayed home today. sam was being naughty arr.. i wont say how but it had something to do with something illegal under the table. no not that you kinky people!! the other slightly more healthy one.. hey but with sam whatever is healthy gets horribly twisted to something FATAL!! oh sam my dad told me to stop saying bugga. hahaha. you're lucky i didnt mention you you!!! aww its alrite i still love you.. hey wait.. maybe i dont.. JUST JOKING! better bring me to starbucks to see the cute malay fella behind the counter. my brother doesnt wanna visit cute guys for me no more. hahaha. IM NOT DESPERATE!!!!

marat won. dont really care. havent gotten over the fact that andy lost. he played horrible.

god damn right its a beautiful day!!!

2005-01-29T06:23:00.000-08:00

ok the blogs "like a lit book" according to ken. so im gonna lighten it up. with eels. its a song called mr e's beautiful blues. hahaha.

the smokestack spittin' black soot into the sunny sky
the load on the road brings a tear to the indian's eye
the elephant won't forget what it's like inside his cage
the ringmaster's telecaster sings on an empty stage
uh-huh, god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
ooh...
the girl with the curls and the sweet pink ribbon in her hair
she's crawling out her window 'cos her Daddy just don't care
come on!
uh-huh, god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
the clown with the frown driving down to the sidewalk fair
finger on the trigger and he'll tell you
uh-huh, god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
ooh...
the kids fit their lids when their heads hear that crazy sound
their neighbour digs the flavour still he's moving to another town
and I don't believe he'll come back
uh-huh, god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
well I don't know how you're takin' all the shit you see
and don't believe anyone and most of all don't believe me
don't believe in me
uh-huh, god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh
god damn right, it's a beautiful day, uh-huh

hahahha. neat!!! god damn right its a beautiful day!!!

2005-01-29T05:30:00.000-08:00

ooo jus came back from crustcean grill at holland v!! oh my gosh the chocolate cake there... okok.. lemme describe it to you. it's texture is like a brownies. a slight crisp, but still soft, so it crumbles when you cut it up. inside is chocolate sauce... wow!!! it like flows out!! and the whole things warm. paired up with vanilla ice cream on the side!!!!! wow!!!!!!!! no doubt the best i have ever had!!!! the music there is great too. ok considering it was live music and the fella was hmmm...quite good looking. hahaha. he was great with his guitar and his voice. he sung jazz, rock, oldies! den there was i dare you to move, colin raye, tears in heaven stone temple pilots, verticle horizon and sooo much more. i requested for change the world but he couldnt sing it i dunno why so ha sung tears in heaven instead. when i was leaving he smiled at me! haha maybe cos i was the only one who actually bothered about him. i was singing along!! and he knew it lar. he was looking at me. hey if ya give me good music i appreciate. so i waved bye and he smiled again. he was singing so he couldnt say anything. he has a girlfren anyway so i'm not crushing on him. only his talents. amazing!!

so i want my guy if i ever get one.. hahah kevin youre not counted although we made the deal... i want him to SING! yea i guess that's like the whole charm of jake dylan and brandon boyd. yea den i can be serenaded by beautiful music every night. hahaha. i love music man!! cannot live without it. =)

ok so i went thru the form for service learning again. i wanna go to philippines still. but i really wanna see angkor wat. hahaha. cambodia has kids too. so maybe i'll consider cambodia. my parents now seem ok bout it!

last night ziwei came by my house. last time i saw her was like 4 years ago. man she looks different. haha. heard that jensen's now teaching at sss. jeremiah's getting married to jensen's sister. we talked a bit bout last time. ahaha. it was fun thinking back. i actually feel quite bad cos i used to scold jensen. den the spinner lane pple would go and tell jensen i scolded him.. hahahaha. IM SORRY JENSEN if you're reading. i was a total ass last time. still am now i guess. jus that now im maybe a nicer ass.

2005-01-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

haha jus finished my proposal!!!! ooo camp's gonna be so fun. well that's if its approved.

why...

2005-01-27T01:33:00.000-08:00

yay today we had service learning briefing. finally the school's doing something right.. heehee. ok i dont mean it that way. oh wait maybe i do. ok so we were given places like Philippines, Thailand, Malaysia, China, Nepal, Cambodia and Indonesia to choose from. sam, js and the rest wanna go to nepal. actually i was thinking bout that too. but i decided i'm gonna try for Philippines or Cambodia.

civil war is the one song that truly inspired me. it isnt like a soft ballad or whatever. it's a pretty hard rock song. but the lyrics totally blew me away.

"my hands are tied. the billions shift from side to side. and the wars go on with brainwashed pride for no love of god and of human rights. and all these things are swept aside by bloodied hands time can't deny. and washed away by your genocide. history hides the lies of all civil war."

it just so happens i was reading reader's digest. there was this article on kids suffering in poor and rundown countries like africa. countries devastated by poverty and war. there was this picture of this african kid. skinny. suffering. pain. it struck a chord. i swore to myself to help. the article was put up by world visions asking for sponsors and adoptive parents. i really wanted to help.

"look at the blood we're spilling. look at the world we're killing" i wanna help...

service learning to Philippines is under world visions. i really like what they're doing. them and the UN. this is my chance. i wanna help...

"i dont need your civil war. it feeds the rich while it buries the poor. you're power hungry selling soldiers in a human grocery store." corruption leads to widespread poverty and hunger. people are being sacrificed each day for a cause most of them dont understand but they follow because they have to.

the kids are caught in the middle of it all. i wanna help....

its not so much of what the people i go with can offer me. its more of what i can offer the people there, in turn enriching my life.

"stop the fighting stop the fighting stop the fighting. in your head in your head. zombie."

peaceout. end wars. please.

perception is blind

2005-01-26T03:40:00.000-08:00

well kinda ironic how i jus told edmund like 5 minutes ago. its not the quantity but the quality of friends that you have. popularity shadows the true meaning of friendship. greed hides the power of love. dishonesty covers the pain of truth. sometimes the pain is something you must bear. take frodo for instance. burden of the ring. why's it ironic? why all the skepticism?

certain things you treasure so dearly. think. is it materialistic? can you help yourself? why are you spending so much time and effort on something you're not sure will work out eventually? there must be a reason. certainty is what we all want. unpredictability presents setbacks and torments us inside and out.

"Even closer than this life
Closer than your faith
Closer than the things that you hold dearly
And in vain
Closer than this life
Falling through again
Giving more than anything.
That you could hope to win
And what would you intend to find?
Solitude? Your peace of mind?
Holding out for something less
Than touching the hand of God?"

certain things are so hard to let go. a relationship lost. a person lost. emotional lost. object lost. wad we often don't see is when we cling on so tightly and even desperately to one thing we lose sight and focus on wad means more to us. these are the things we take for granted. family friends comfort love.

think about this for a while.

walking down the lane
you search for your light
hide the pain
keep them all out of sight
remove the mask
uncover the face
complete the task
sheltered by the grace
you search for a path
find a way to deal
consequences the aftermath
imagine how it would feel
swallow the pill
take back your life
give it a new fill
nothing can justify
nothing will comply
the judgement when you die
in thoughts deeds words and action
everything will come to his attention
"everything will be alright"
the skies light up to a bright
you are my child
i love you.

look around you. things you value. people you value. how much you want that. he wants you more. how much close you hold it to yourself. the same way he wants you to follow him. take up the cross. let him cleanse you. feed you. clothe you and mould you to do the good of his will. love yourself love him

great lyrics from great songs

2005-01-25T07:17:00.000-08:00

"you move like water. i could drown in you" a lifetime by better than ezra
"life ain't anything alone can't you see?" closer to me by five
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life. someday you'll be the sun in somebody else's sky but why can't it be mine?" black by pearl jam
"all the way in on my hands and on my feet and shoulders" king of new orleans by better than ezra
"if only you'll look at me and want to stay" if only by hanson
"do you know that everytime you're near everybody else seems far away" disappear by hoobastank
"i wanna always feel like part of this was mine" praise chorus by jimmy eat world
"life is like a shooting star. if you only run for cover its just a waste of time. we are lost till we are found" lightning crashes by live
"the killer in me is the killer in you" disarm by smashing pumpkins
"living for the only thing you ever did complete and the one thing that you both did perfectly" closer by better than ezra
"rah rah rasputin lover of a russian queen" rasputin by boney m.
"words can't say what love can do" i'll be there for you by bon jovi
"hit me baby one more time" hit me baby one more time by britney spears
"for you i'll bleed myself dry" yellow by coldplay
"i just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes" wonderful by everclear
"get the cool shoe-shine" 19-2000 by gorillaz
"the wars go on and the years go by with no love of god or human rights. and all these dreams are swept aside by bloodied hands of the hypnotised who carry the cross of homocide. history bears the scars of civil war" civil war by guns n roses
"i see the sadness in their eyes. melancholy in their cries. devoid of all the passion the human spirit cannot die" melancholy by iced earth
"i did what i thought was right all for the love of my life" a question of heaven by iced earth
"all of us are heaven sent. there was never meant to be only one" megolomaniac by incubus
"the sands of time for me are running low" hallowed by thy name by iron maiden
"ba rum pum pum pum" little drummer boy
"you're never nothing less than beautiful" angel standing by by jewel
"you raise me up to more than i can be" you raise me up bu josh groban
"go shorty its youre birthday. we gonna party like its your birthday" in da club by 50 cent
"fortune fame mirror vain gona insane but the memories remain" memories remain by metallica
"close your eyes and let music set you free" music of the night by michael crawford
"hey wait i got a new complaint. forever in debt to your priceless advice" heart-shaped box by nirvana
"theres nothing left to prove theres nothing i wont do. theres nothing like the pain i feel for you... when they say you're not that strong, you're not that weak, its not your fault" not enough by our lady peace
"dont go with your dreams untold" untold by pete francis
"there's nothing here but what here's mine" every you every me by placebo
"rows of houses all bearing down on me i can feel their blue hands touching me. all these things into position all these things we'll one day swallow whole" street spirit by radiohead
"i dont ever feel how i felt that day. take me to the place i love take me all the way" under the bridge by red hot chilli peppers.
"every whisper of every waking hour im choosing my confession" losing my religion by REM
"shoo shoo shaking sha shakin im shoo shoo shakin sha shakin" im shakin by rooney
"take me to the magic of the moment on a glory night" wind of change by the scorpions
"your pride has built a wall so strong i can't get through" still loving you by the scorpions
"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" closing time by semisonic
"despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage" bullet with butterfly wings by smashing pumpkins
"i can forgive and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today" so far away from staind
"even if you cannot hear my voice i'll be right beside you dear" run by snow patrol
"trust in my self-righteous suicide" chop suey by system of a down
"look into my eyes and its easy to see. one and one make two. two and one make three it was destiny" tribute by tenacious d
"everyone has to face down the demons. maybe today you can put the past away" jumper by third eye blind
"im twisted cos one side of me's telling me that i need to move on. on the other side i wanna break down and cry" burn by usher
"for the life of me i cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise" freshmen by the verve pipe
"carry you around when you're athritis is bad" i want to grow old with you by adam sandler
"this wait for destiny won't do be with me please i beseech you" my paper heart by all american rejects
"nights when the music ignites you" t rex by ash
"we made our connection. a full-on chemical reaction brought by dark divine intervention. a constellation once seen over royal david's city. an epiphany you burn so pretty yea you are a shining light" shining light by ash
"in my car we are superstars" rewind by better than ezra
"then they ask what went wrong. when you never had it right" desperately wanting by better than ezra

paragraphs of thoughts

2005-01-25T06:39:00.000-08:00

jus came back from the tv. so far everythings going as planned. agassi lost to roger. marat won. andys gonna win and hes gonna meet lleyton whos gonna win. all the top 4 seeds. den andys gonna rule. i'll be realistic and say that rogers unbeatable. for now at least. if andy doesnt make it i want marat or lleyton to win. but if lleyton wins he has to beat andy in the semis. hmmm. lets jus wait for the quarters to finish first. yea ok thats real shallow. only happens 8 weeks a year though. once in jan den in march june and september. so DEAL.

sam jinshun and eddy are the funniest fellas around. hahha. eddy and his "what is my fave swear word?" question. haha. jinshun and his extreme vanity!! sam and his.. well jus being the bugga that he is. been hanging with them most of the time in class. its fun! totally.

stanley's dating jasmine?! hahaha ok kinda shocked. actually totally shocked. apparently hes grown taller. but shes still too tall. oh well. wonder if he still has his moustache. haha

gonna join the tsunami bowling thing. i suck at bowling man. but i dont wanna give it up. jus need to practice. terribly rusty. need some sacrificial protection. or whatever you call that

holding back the fool again. holding back the fool pretends. i forget to forgive. nothing is important. holding back the fool again. i knew my loss before i even learnt to speak and all along i knew it was wrong. but i played along with my birthday song. billy corgan is a genius. james iha. call me.

hmmm lucia told me lots bout kieran or cam as we call him. hahaha. so it seems we happened to stay in the same house. like WOAH. hahaha. lotsa other stuff lar. hehas long curly hair. hahaha scary? i dunno he always looks about the same anyway.

was talking to timmy online for jus a while. totally great to talk to him again!!! hahaha. was talking to edmund too. it was fun.. andre was totally playing around again with his sources and news of pretty girls. YOU!!! hehe. jordan was insulting roddick. typical. nat probably was playing rose online. dont you dare msg me wad level you're at!! was having tennis talk with andrew too.

nat tried stuffing the eraser into my mouth. den msged me "you have a big mouth" bugger!! im so gonna spike your coffee the next time we go out. or pour tonnes of cinnamon in!! ok so after i write this im gonna read your newly updated blog. see how many chiobus you see today ar..

need to finish up red cross camp proposal. oh was jus thinking next time when im in the U i'll apply to the big unknown. hahaha. looks kinda fun. like mtv its my life. jus that its channel 5.

totally in love with LAS VEGAS. haha. now thats what i call good tv!

went for ocs commissioning parade. kinda cool. like perfect marching and banging. shook the hands of 14 strangers. hahaha. actually shook the malay fella who slept outfield's hand twice. they're all real nice. being soldiers. totally macho too!

hope everything's going well for uncle clement. know he has come problems. we both trust that god will provide for him and help him.

we'll take our hearts outside leave our lives behind. i'll watch the stars go out.

2005-01-22T06:22:00.000-08:00

yesterday went to orchard with jocelyn and nat. walked around den went to starbucks to study. after dat met samuel. tried for sooo long to get matthew down with us at the end we jus went for the movie ourselves. stupid sam didnt manage to get peter wong. elektra was freaky lar. especially the first flashback with the devil fella. ooo but the baddie jap fella was handsome lar. but he died. dammit!! ooops if ya havent watched it im so sorry. but i was seriously pretty freaked out by the devil thing. i was like oh no please dont appear again. i swore if he did i would have screamed out okaay. ahah wad was damn funny was halfway thru the show nat was like "who's the girl ar?" felt like whacking him soo hard larr!!! but jennifer garner looks so sexy. damn! oh and we went on a male model photo-taking spree. took 3 of the springfield model and one of the calvin klein fella. tried to get the ck crave guy but they only had freddie and the new guy we took. went to esprit to get nat's shirt and took a super duper cool picture of me and sam in sunglasses. i so make him look good lar. ok so on our way to meet the sweethearts we dropped by at topman. "fast women needed for slow shag." that is sooo cool!! hahaha. cost 33 bucks though. kinda lacking in the money dept nowadays. so met up with the sweethearts. den sam went for dinner with mr and mrs wadeva sam's surname is. den walked taka like thrice. got scolded cos i was accused of exaggerating a story. I WASNT!! it's true!! went to scotts for dinner. saw cute ang moh fellas with long curly hair. my kind. thats why i love brandon boyd. nat mentioned that asian girls like caucasian guys and caucasian guys like asian girls. so he was like lamenting it. i wasnt though totally. oh met hengchuan so nice to see him. haha still as short as ever!!! after dinner took mrt. got scolded by parents. got grounded. yea. i deserved it lar. hmm saw guan in church he has red hair!! haha corrupted head prefect!! ahahaha. alrite song for today is the dolphin's cry by live. good alternative rock metal kinda music. hahahah. or ya can jus buy an incubus album and swoon over brandon boyd.

2005-01-12T04:55:00.000-08:00

ok so suddenly my hobby is like doing homework and listening to people i dont want to listen to talk. last 2 weeks were rather ok. yesterday was a blast!! my brother ROMed so now i have an older sister!! well legally at least. after that we had 4 course french lunch. or was it 5? hahaha. first course was foie gras 2nd was the main course of lamb 3rd was an assorted cheese platter and lastly chocolate cake. and lotsa booze. it's not like i'm underaged anyway. hee hee. *evil laughter* so everyone's really happy, well except for those people in school. ok i shall give some credit to the teachers cos a lot of them do good at teaching. haha. alright singapore is playing on saturday. i hope i get to go watch the match. must get grandstand. less chance of getting hit by the urine filled botttles. imagine they have to pee on the stands to fill the bottles. its's downright sick! yea so i have to remind jarrell that there's football. JARRELL THERES FOOTBALL!!! yea thats done. =) oo and gotta get my brandon boyd poster and my zero shirt. if theres like an incubus shirt which reads MEGALOMANIAC im so on it. goota check out the meaning. i have a feeling it's not something good. ooo guan got me super funky orange earrings. thanks babee!!! actually didnt really do much these 2 weeks. went over to yinghao's place to see andre den realised that yinghao aint who i thought he was. his house has a great view and a nice couch though. anyway i was practically falling asleep at his place so i jus went back home to sleep. his house is really nice but mine's bigger. WAHAHAHA. ahahahha ok not that that matters. hmm in school i've been basically hanging with sam in class. recess with dorcas and after school with joanne. hahaha. its been ok lar. ain't all that bad. other than the homework part though.

ambition

2004-12-27T05:52:00.000-08:00

yea sure. i do have an ambition. but it's not really wad other people think of it. others aspire to be lawyers, doctors, actors, singers and wad have you. yep mine's a little different. i wanna be a bartender. hahaha. scary thought huh. but i dont think alcohol's all that bad. den after that i'm gonna do something big and work on my ice cream dreams. hahaha. another weird one. but i'll get there somehow. and i'm gonna be the major supplier of hoegaarden and kahlua to the public by the time i get there. cos i'm gonna go all the way. and prove that being a bartender ain't all that skanky. =) now don't you dare steal it you!!!

deeply in love

2004-12-27T05:28:00.000-08:00

in my life you've heard me say i love you. how do i show you it's true? hear my heart. it longs for more of you. i'm falling deeply in love with you. you have stolen my heart. i'm captivated by you. never will you and i part. i've fallen deeply in love with you. you and i together forever. nothing can stand in the way. my love for you grows stronger each new day. i've fallen deeply in love with you. // it's overwhelming his love. most of the time you take it for granted and don't realise it's even there. but when you open your heart. you'll find it and it will blow you away. so powerful, so unconditional. everyday you pray. asking for answers. they're everywhere. you just have to look for them. he's blessed me so much and has answered my every prayer. i love you god. // jesus saved us. tell it to the world.

thank you

2004-12-22T02:25:00.000-08:00

for wad its worth. im jus glad that there are still people out there who mean a lot to me. jiamin and val are always there for me. i love you guys!! eunice lim!! you!! my gilmore buddy. haha. dorcas and danielle. those 2 i cannot live without. the MORONS!!.. joanne yuliang enshao yunxing nirma chanel brandon wenfang. other red cross pple. leon, we've been thru a lot but you've always reassured me. kevin is madness!! hidayat man haha. always making me laugh. joanne goh.. oh my gosh that girl, "stop eating my worksheets". nat fheng.. my fellow shopper. GUAN! oh man. he's one awesome guy. fel is always there to gimme advice. been talking to jarrell and hes so funny!! petrina, we should start the whole thing again. haha. you know wad im talking bout. poon and amelia. both of you said something to me that really touched me. timchan, haha. you are one of a kind. char darling, haha, shes great. jamie, havent talked to you for long but youre still one of my closest frens. andre jordan andrew fong. its guys like you who make acsi wad it is today. screwed up but damn fun. jason lua, oh man. you're names on the list. you are sooo tall okaay. thanks for cheering me up always with your rubbish. sam zr jocelyn, awesome crystal jade buddies. grace, hahaha. i've got a nice present for you. moleboy and claudia, hahaha. i really miss tuition with you two. mdm koh the tuition teacher, duno where i'd be without you. teyweiyoung!! hahaa. hes like my best fren from ulp. you and your mantous. in fact. echo too. esp fathiah nadirah yiyan and meeezeellll. sherri, will never forget ur fmssCRY. haha. the twangster. 3a people. i dont really seem like i like u guys. but tony romas and sizzler was a blast. next stop black angus. church people, friggy fred cheryl guowei jeremy, sounds weird but monseignor lau too. hahaha. and actually all of you in church. chris chng. you are my lao po! brandon boyd, love the tattoo, and megalomaniac. haha. PS dont feel bad if you're not mentioned. cos i wanted to write bout everyone. but its 2am in the morning. oh and most of all i love my brothers like mad!!! those 3 fellas are the ones i care the most about. hahaa. and my parents lucia and germaine too!

highlights of the year

2004-12-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

1. unit leader programme
2. confirmation camp
3. confirmation
4. discovering better than ezra
5. getting the ipod
6. cadet rocognition day
7. debut of the oc
8. discovery of one tree hill
9. return of gilmore girls
10. jude law sexiest man alive. haha. <-- jus for fun.
11. seeing michael come back from camp every weekend
12. seeing my parents holding hands
13. 6a class gathering
14. the wave without the smile =)
15. feast at night with the morons after a ghost scare at the playground
16. deciding to make a difference
17. feeling like i have made a difference
more up tomorrow

read

2004-12-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

mixed emotions basically. its jus that when you've been heading in the right direction all your life. it's difficult when you suddenly get pushed off the trail. and when i say pushed i do mean pushed. explain. basically when you try your best but people just dont get it. its common. maybe that's why it is frustrating. you know but who gives a damn. so what. my conscience is clear. ultimately the only people i have to answer to is god and myself. i have totally no regrets. definitely not going to bear grudges. dont see the point in that. it takes a lot to hate. shrug it off. you're happy with what you already have. yet find something lacking. its just in front of you. and you've been reaching out like mad for it. all your heart. some person just comes and pulls it away from you. so what. i did my best. shrug it off. yeah so just because that person pulls it away. furthers the distance. you walk. something you put your mind into. something you set out to get. gone because of your lack of determination. i tried my best, shrug it off. yeah right you tried your best. you let the person take it away. so what if you're not society's best friend. so what if the person presents it to you but pulls it away a moment later. it doesnt matter. i tried my best. shrug it off. and continue on.

sdc

2004-12-09T05:31:00.000-08:00

haha. browsing friendster. found someone. oh my gosh so cute. a bit inconvenient to say here lar. if you're interested ask andrew or fong. haahaha. reminds me maybe i should like talk to the lost friends. i have people like jeremy richmond marktay on msn whom i dont know well. maybe i should talk to them get to know them better. i blew it with jeremy. i remember it so clearly and i feel awful. mark and i jus stopped talking. dunno why. i never knew richmond that well lar. oh well. i guess that's life. people move on. no harm trying to go back though.
past few days have been fun. went for sushi with the churchies on tuesday after tuition. sad life. tuition 3 times a week. after eating went shopping. kana suan by friggy cheryl and guan like mad man. fred's mine cheryl!!! after that went to nuh to see richmond. met guan's friend pamela too. she's cool. hahaha poor girl kana suan by richmond and guan like crazy. something bout a fella named brandon. ahhaha. but it was quite paiseh for me. cos didnt know them well. only guan. but it was all good lar. hhahah.
ok nvm. den yesterday went for sdc campfire at the sadest place on earth... kembangan campsite. met so many pple!! lutfi was a blast. that fella still damn joker. keth...say i vain take pictures of myself. den on mrt he wanted to send me picture of himself. KENNETH LOO SAI MUN!!!! you ar... indra indra indra. he still the same man. still owes me prata. saw mich. she and leon kana like mad also. enshao kissed a guy 5 times. lutfi had boobs. met the azrin i heard soo much about. smuggled food down from guest room for my babies. oh yea. weiyoung and mizael were fighting over me. hhahahha. that was fun. especially wif weiyoung around. denise kept asking me if i loved her. sigh. im sooo glad i didnt go for sdc. they suffered like mad. sigh.
singapore record shops have neither chevelle nor better than ezra. disappointing.

ed camp

2004-12-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

jus came back from ed camp. made it home jus in time for gilmore. hahaha. it had milo so it was a real thrill watching. he's not gonna be appearing for quite some time i guess. after wad rory said to jess. cant stand her. anyway. camp was fun. but it was kinda ironic. cos i fought so hard just to go for the camp. and at camp i had this real weird "wad am i doing here" feeling. i shocked myself with that one. struggled with it for a while. den after second night it was all fine. and i wanna go back for more. i think i'll try going for YA on sunday too. anyway i met so many new people at camp. i didnt know any of the cathecumens (dunno how to spell) at first. but on the second day i started talking to kok wai jonathan pixiang and jeremy. so got to know them better. especially kok wai. he's one funny fella man. thanks for writing warm fuzzies with me! and pixiang is sooo lame. like super dots lar. jeremy has this glare thing. haha. but hes a nice guy. anyway also got to know sheryl and faith, both of whom were in my group. sheryl's real quiet and faith's rather outspoken. all of them were great to know. got to know the vc people better too. like jiamin pp gerri alyee vivian keith francis ewen and lots more. keith and francis were in the group too. i never knew keith was so damn full of rubbish. and man if you meet francis. you'll be laughing yourself nutty. so camp was pretty neat.
noticed a change in myself over the past 5 months. and its pretty obvious to people around too i guess. was reading my warm fuzzies and i got a lot of "you dont seem to be yourself" and "why so quiet". it really isnt deliberate. but i figured that i talk too much. really. so i decided to try and quieten down cos the less i talk the more i hear. i used to like always tell myself not to talk but now its coming more naturally. but i believe i still crap a lot when in small groups of people. like with kok wai fred char they all. so i guess its more of a change in character den a burdened heart. i may not get as much attention as i seek but i do feel that i learn more about the things happening around me. and yes i admit i do seek attention sometimes. and that's not good so i'm changing. but so far at ed camp there was a distinct change from confi camp. and i think more now. think before i talk and act. although i still falter.
i guess i am changing for the better you know. i made a promise to god that i will change. and i know he sees the effort i am putting in. i dont need anyone to notice me anyway. cos i know he sees me and is with me.
i really admire the cathecumens. they mustered the courage to go for wad they wanted and committed themselves to the lord. i dont think i will ever have that much courage.

peace out. end wars.

2004-12-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

its real difficult having to deal with loss. whether your own or of someone else. after all the only thing that feels worse than being lost is losing someone. like something you hold close and dear to you being suddenly taken away. but when you explore furthur into it, you'll realise that maybe death isnt as bad as it is made out to be. think about it. you work and slave all your life jus to make ends meet. it's a tough life. and you barely make it most of the time. ending of your sorrows? perhaps. certainly sensible. also in life you prepare yourself by going to church, by praying, just so that you will be made worthy in the eyes of god your creator. death is god taking you home. like the ultimate reunion. it may sound kind of rude maybe. but it is all of your hard work paying off. the end really is the beginning of something great. jus like in the semisonic song closing time. one line that really hit me was "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." think about it. it is true. when one door closes another opens. of course. it depends on god. when he wants you back and thinks that you're prepared, he'll take you away. and it's all good. so premature death really is wrong. that way you're not ready and it'll only lead to more suffering. all the fighting going on. the wars. all the pain. the aids epidemic, especially in africa. premature death? definitely. its all human err. yeah sure you may ask how can aids be stopped? protection. cautiousness and awareness. more medical aid for the needy. stop the fighting. its so immature and shallow. this one's dedicated to sam. you've been thru a real tough few months. the past few days especially. you may not agree with my theory but i hope it makes you feel even a little better. but you'll be alright. i promise.

christmas wishlist.

2004-11-26T22:43:00.000-08:00

hahaa. this is my xmas wishlist. *hint hint*
1. birkenstocks
2. better than ezra cds
3. so long astoria
4. red polka dot skirt
5. new jeans
6. better bowling skills
7. to do well for my o levels.
8. world peace
9. for my skky to be happy. =)

was conferencing the night before with ian char sze fel and fred. ian and sze were laughing like mad. char was filing. thats kinda odd. fred and i were watching critters. but it lasted long and was fun lar. last night went for ed. super solemn session. got to know jiamin better. she's awesome!! hahaha. gave her a massage too. cheryl kept suaning me cos she was jealous. hahahahha. cheryl... you ar... den after ed kana suan again lar. by the usual pple. buggers. sooo wanted to supper with them but had to go off. oh well. maybe next time. this morning had tournament. i bowled sucky as usual. at least won lucky draw. congrats dee!! you got 3rd!! hahaha its all still fun though. now discussing with skyy whether to go out... oh yea. HAPPY WEDDING MS KOH!!

happy birthday timmy!!!

2004-11-24T08:32:00.000-08:00

so i went to timmy's place for his birthday
he invited almost everyone and we had a parrrtay.
it was fun
so fun i got numb
the eating was good
i had mee siam quiche and even more food.
was hanging with fel fred ian and char
sze nigel cheryl. all sweet as a chocolate bar.
(damn am i bad at rhyming)
so we did something and den felt really bad.
den we pigged out cos we were sad.
(ok i really cant think of anything else to rhyme)
oh friggy dropped by and he got bombarded
by the guys with questions as they farted.
(i told you i was bad)
"my father calls you father.
so wad should i call ya?"
i thought that was real dumb
jus like a big black rotten thumb.
it was overall fun.
thanks tim. maybe next year i'll buy you a gun.

hahaha. sorry for the poem. actually its like a rap. im feeling all snoop doggy rite now. i tried my very best to rhyme. and i guess i pretty much gotta give up yea. i learnt stuff too. like ariel and alyssa were sisters. i never knew that. nigel is scandalous. and sze is one helluva lame butt. that the priest collar thing isnt made of cardboard. ivan almost ate mee siam off his flat plate. that mark always wears two shirts out. and i guess i learnt a lot more. wow rite. only one night somemore sia.

oh im totally an EZRALITE. hail better than ezra. im so gonna get their stuff.

day

2004-11-21T01:31:00.000-08:00

this is going to be the SHALLOWEST entry ever. the major problem of the day.. is andy roddick. he lost to hewitt in straight sets!! masters cup semi finals. its times like these that it sucks being a fan. but hey you gotta stick it rite? yea so if hewitt beats federer, which by the way is impossible considering how amazingly good roger is. den lleyton will be no 2. not that it matters. but it sucks lar. i'm a good fan and agree that roger is too darn good to lose and andy jus flopped. so lleyton and roger probably deserve it. that's one super glitch in the SARAHSYSTEM today.
another rather interesting thing that happened happened yesterday. my red cross babies. yes they are all my babies haha. enshao yunxing yuliang lost their wallet and handphones in the school canteen. stuff like these always happen, jus seldom to someone close to you. so you kinda get a shock and question. at least i did. and i hope a teacher is reading this. school's supposed to be a safe place, a condusive environment for the students to study in. if you as the school do not provide for the students and meet the basic needs such as their safety how can you expect the students to like the school and work at their fullest potential. the principal wanted to install cctv. yea so where the hell is it? why procrastinate the serious matters like these and concentrate your efforts on building useless and redundant things like the bbq pit? please!! what kind of a school are you to mix up your priorities. do something about it. dont spend all your money building rubbish. blogs are meant for people to express their views. so i am telling you now. do something about it. cos right now i wont tell parents to send their kids to fairfield. go to the catholic schools. at least the archbishop is making improvement. well at least he bothers to try.
hmm i guess its not so shallow anymore. jus a whole lot of anger. haha. oh i heard on radio DEPRESSION IS SIMPLY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM. funny. totally.
anyway. today in church the homily was amusing. archbishop's doing advertising for the catholic schools. hahaha. since the protestants are doing it maybe we should too. PROPAGATE!! hahaha no lar. archbishop stated it very clearly. in catholic schools THE FAITH IS PROPOSED TO YOU BUT NOT IMPOSED ON YOU. thats the way it should be. soo.. optional chapel!! hahaha.
so was talking to jarrell. he's real funny. so quiet in person but a total wackjob online. the fella broke my heart. told me that fred quit the servers. FREDERICK KIERAN GOH!!! how dare you? jus wanna spite me rite? hahahaha. you still got the cassock? oh my gosh. ouch! it sooo hurts lar. hahah. can imagine all you buts out there reading and asking like wad's going on. well it doesnt matter anymore does it fred? hahaahaha. i love making a big deal out of fred in a cassock. guess i'll never see it again. oucchh.
yesterday went for some chinese thing. was sitting next to alvin cheong and he was a load of rubbish. we were drawing stuff and playing around while some fella was speaking in the front in chinese. so den all of us got scolded cos we werent listening. but the drawing thing was seriously amusing.
anyway im seriously disturbed. help me? someone? pleeeaasee??? oh and i had a dream which was ok when it happened. but when i woke up it was like WAD THE? yea. scary. help? someone? pleeeaaseeE?????

to my skkyy

2004-11-18T03:29:00.000-08:00

thanks for hearing me out skyyy!!! it's friends like you who truly keep me going on. and to everyone else who listened to me and made a difference. thank you!!

PS: hey confi pple. im thinking of organising a chalet. probably sentosa. during december. mail me.

in this diary

2004-11-18T03:24:00.000-08:00

Here in this diary,I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and not a spoken feeling.
I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80's songs;
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that mattersis just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.
Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, 'goodbye.'
Get on the bus, it's time to go.
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right.