all that cant be said

close your eyes and listen to jose gonzalez

you live until you die

when youre old you only sigh

because you feel so let down

where's the truth

feeling old when you are young

being old you cant be young

it's a perversion of numbers

age has taught

what centuries has claimed

lives lost in dismay

in the torrents on display

when it's not your mistake to make

Probably no one is going to read this. Still, recording this down makes me feel more concrete in my beliefs and ideals.

Reading about him, this hopelessly charming, incredibly intelligent 23-year-old who practically killed himself, makes me think that he's not all that different from the rest of us. Sure, he was super smart, maintaining  almost perfect grade point averages all through his academic career. Still, he was more like us than Bill Gates or Stephen Hawkings, or that smart kid from your class who talks in huge words and walks with his chin to the ceiling. I don't think I'm anything like him, but I do think that if I were, it would be better than this.

Having felt stuck and uninspired for most, if not all of my life, and then suddenly being immersed into the last months of his Chris' life makes me think that I should do better than I am now. Like maybe I should watch less Family Guy and do more philanthropic kinds of stuff. You know, venture into my own wilderness and lose myself, not like Eminem, but more like that Greek-looking guy in the painting The Ship by Salvador Dali. Tired and wet with sails on his back, clmbing out of the ocean into something else. Half man, half sea-boat thing. Maybe I'm half girl, half Bear Grylls, sort of.